I’ve been avoiding this blog entry, but screw it pessimism is part of life and injuries suck. Yes, you can learn from everything, but give me a chance to vent. I’ve been hobbling around, boring myself with long stints of pool running, and crying way more than I’d like. I deserve a chance to be just how I am in this moment, a tad bit pessimistic. And the reality is we’ve all been there and none of us go, “gee I’m so glad to be injured right now!” Sure we learn to deal and we’re grateful for when we return to the trails. But plain and simple, injuries just stink.
The week before Transrockies, I began to notice tightness in my right hip flexor. After a few days off, things seemed normal and even during the first stage at TRR my hips we’re feeling alright. After crossing the line, I noticed tightness building up and a limp set in. I got a massage, kept my fingers crossed, and tried not to think about it. But, every single time I stood up, my hip hated me. I grew worried. I knew I couldn’t make it another 5 days. I knew I should have never came not being a 110%. I didn’t want to let my partner down. Salomon down. And ultimately myself down. This is the story of my life. Not wanting to let people down. So like a complete idiot, I ran stage 2. I honestly don’t even know how I made it. I’ve never been in that amount of pain. I tied to block it, but I was crying and just trying to make it one step closer to the end. No smiles or laughter, it was just, “get me the fuck to the finish.” I’ve spent a month paying for that decision and who knows how much longer. On day 3, I left TRR with support and encouragement from every one to get better and take good care of myself. Every single time I stepped on to my right foot, it was intense sharp shooting pain. The crutches became essential for a few days. I had muscle spasms at night that woke me up. I couldn’t lift my right leg without using my hands. And the worst part, I couldn’t do what I loved, run, let alone put on a pair of pants.
Slowly things have been improving, but not fast. I still hobble, but less and less. I’ve been putting it off due to cost, but I’m going to go get an MRI. I’ve been working with an amazing physical therapist and he has helped tremendously. I highly recommend Dan if you’re looking for amazing/life changing pt. He has helped release my psoas, get my hips back in alignment, and decrease my discomfort. There is some question of if I tore my labrum, the cartilage around my hip joint. This would explain the sudden bouts of pain that I get when I slip or roll my foot over a rock when walking. This also means surgery and a few months without running. In fact it could mean nothing until 2011. I’ve never spent more than two weeks away from running. I’ve now spent four and it just makes me terribly sad. Running is what I looked forward to every morning. Sure, I’ve found other things in life that I love and appreciate, but running has been a staple.
I told myself that if I wasn’t smiling than I wasn’t running for the right reason any more. I don’t know what happened from last year to this year. Maybe too much pressure. Maybe too much focus. I’ve lost the smile. The enjoyment. I’m not making any decisions at the current moment other than finding ways to smile again. I don’t know if I’m going to continue to be competitive. I don’t know if I want running to be such a big focus. At this point, I don’t know. I do know I need to be smiling and enjoying life, not fighting it and struggling with every step. I’ve pulled out my paint for the first time in a few years; I need to be creative again. To get lost in the moment. To be more intuitive and less caught up in minutes and miles. To go back to the girl who stopped to jump in mud puddles because plain and simple, it was just fun.
I’ve got a lot of thoughts to sort threw. I am not making decisions right this second, but I have no choice but to back off. To go back to the mud puddles. To paint. To be creative. To let running become a piece of my life, but not my focus. To just be me. To write incomplete sentences because I like to. That’s my update.