W. Caitlin Smith

Olympic Marathon Trials

2012-01-17T09:18:00.000-08:00

It’s hard not to start this blog with a list of frustrations or excuses about Saturday, but this would completely overlook how far I’ve come in the past three years as a runner and a person. My goal in 2010 was to qualify for the Olympic Marathon Trials. There were bumps in the process, but I qualified, made it to the start line, and participated. That’s saying a lot, especially when in 2008 I could barely sign-up for low-key trail races without dying of anxiety while wearing cotton shorts and constantly questioning my abilities to be competitive.

There is no doubt that I hoped to feel better while racing the trials. I tried to hang on for all it was worth. I ignored the cramping in my legs for 18 miles, distracting myself with positive thoughts and determination. Approaching mile 16, I realized there are times where one is better off listening to their body and this was one of those times. I knew I would be disappointed, but I would also be more pissed with myself if I struggled through the pain and ended up hurt (like I had in 2010 at TRR).

In the past couple years, I would run through everything in a race regardless, but 34 miles on a hip stress fracture made me realize there are times when stopping is a better result. So, as soon as I saw my dad at mile 18, I pulled aside. There were some tears and lots of thoughts (was it the massage the night before? or all those hiccups in my training over the past few months? or the cold that just started to clear up after three weeks?). I could make myself crazy with too much thinking, so instead I decided to let it go, drink some wine, spend a wonderful time with family, and think about all I have to be grateful for. Plain and simple, I reached my goal of making it to that start line. I got to partake in something that I never expected to be a part of. I wore bun huggers for the first time (an accomplishment in itself). And, I have many more miles, ups and downs, and adventures ahead of me. So now it’s time to rest and get eager for all that’s ahead.

(Taken literally seconds before I pulled out.)

The Walnut Creek Half Marathon Tune-up

2011-12-11T17:00:00.000-08:00

When it's 30 degrees and 5 am, it's pretty tempting to crawl back into bed and skip out on a race. But, luckily I had someone to join in on the “fun-orture” (as she called it). Heather Tanner was waiting for me at the Walnut Creek Marriot and we were both hoping for a good workout. So, I met her in my eighty layers and we ran the three miles to the starting line as a warm-up. The starting line felt a heck of a lot colder and I was tempted to keep my two long sleeve shirts and pants on. But, I stripped down, shivering, and goose-bumped covered (I know I grew-up in Northern Michigan, but dang, cold weather is hard to motivate in!).

Heather and I headed out at a comfortable pace and it took me a good 5 miles to feel my fingers. I just followed Heather, having a few temptations every now and then to stop, but the cold weather worked as a deterrent. After getting through the first few miles, I felt a good groove. I was surprised by the mile plus climb that lead us from mile 5 upwards. I had to laugh as I had told Heather earlier that morning that it looked like a super mellow climb --- for a road race, no, but for a trail race, yes. I know both of us were starting to wonder when it would stop climbing. Finally at the turn around, I caught up to Heather. She informed me that we had run a 7:40 and now were on pace for a 5:40. That’s quite a swing in mile splits for a road half-marathon!

The cold air was pretty brutal and I still feel like my lungs are recovering. Heather and I stayed side by side until mile 10ish and then we stayed within a few strides. It was the first half-marathon where I finished and felt content. It didn’t feel hard, it didn’t feel stressful --- it was actually fun. I finished in 1:23:40, my slowest road half-marathon to date (but based on results, looks like the climbing added about 4 minutes to times --- so I am bound for 1:19s!), and Heather was right behind in 1:23:52 (results). Heather and I agreed that it was our best pre-trials workout to date. After a quick hug at the finish, we loaded the layers back on and resumed running while chatting about life.

The Walnut Creek Half Marathon was a confidence booster. It was great to be out on the pavement, stress free, and physically strong and healthy. I could have used another 10 degrees, but I am incredibly grateful to have friends like Heather to remind me why I like to run, a foot that has stopped being a pain in the arse, and a warm hat and arm sleeves.

Some Frustration

2011-12-04T15:59:00.000-08:00

I have not written a word in months. But, I don’t like being pessimistic, and over the past three months, I just don’t feel like my body has been cooperating. It is difficult to stay positive when it seems like it is one darn thing after another. At the end of September, I got a good old case of plantar fasciitis. I refused to let it hold me back. I raced San Jose ½ feeling each darn heel strike. It continues to come and go, but acupuncture, icing, and downward dogs have been the most successful at keeping it mostly content. So, I keep going, and I end up straining my opposite calf. I spend time in the pool and within a week or so I am able to run again. Then, I struggle with this horrible aching and cramping in my legs for a handful of weeks. I back off, skip a ton of workouts, and just focus on getting back to what I love --- running through the Redwoods.

Things were starting to feel good. My legs were happy and my foot wasn’t complaining, and then bam this last Thursday night I woke-up with excruciating back pain, which sent me to ER. Luckily, it looked like it was just some weird tweak, completely unrelated to running. Who knows maybe I was demonstrating something poorly at work, or lifted something oddly, or just slept awkward, but non-the-less, I have had a few moments of wanting to throw in the towel. I am frustrated. I used to be better at listening to my body. I used to run purely on feel, which is easy to do when you’re cruising over rocks and roots, knowing that your watch really doesn’t equate to effort especially with steep climbs, mud, and all those other fun obstacles. But I’ve been anxious over the past few months. I don’t want to be disappointed at the trials. I start to lose confidence as I miss another workout, cut my mileage for the week, or I don’t hit those 6-minute miles during a tempo run. And this doubt just makes me tenser (so no wonder I keep ending up hurt). It has been more difficult to listen to my body, back off, and realize that I can’t control what will happen on January 14th.

So, this is why I have been quiet. I am trying to find that balance between running in the woods and clicking away evenly paced miles. I am trying to push my body differently, but not push it until it breaks. I’ve been reminding myself constantly that the reason I wake-up and run is because I love it, not because I want to hit a certain time (although I know how good this feels). And, I keep reminding myself that good races have come when I least expect them and that if I can continue to smile and enjoy the adventures, I will do my best on each given day. And ultimately, disappointment typically fuels the next race --- so, plain and simple, I will keep waking up and lacing up my shoes. And if there are days that I can’t, I’ll do my best to express my frustration, take some deep breaths, and hop in the pool or go for a relaxing walk. Bumps in the road, but I am determined…

And, honestly, I really am looking forward to some more time on the trails in 2012.

Back From Europe

2011-08-29T17:16:00.000-07:00

(Photo courtesy of Dan Coyro/Sentinel)

Well, I’m back from Europe. After Kilian’s Classik, the race in the Pyrenees, I spent some time in London. Then I rejoined some of the Salomon’s International Team for a run up the highest alp in Austria, the Grossglockner. The 13k mountain run turned into a fast hike after the first mile on the road. It was gorgeous and brutal. I literally got to run over a glacial moraine! From that day forward I’ve pretty much craved flat running.

I’ve been back for almost three weeks. I did a poor job of keeping blogs about my adventures, but I was busy watching plays about pigs with blue eyes in London, wandering around Salzburg and getting soaked to the point where I had to toss my shoes, and enjoying my one evening in Munich with a run through the park followed by a beer garden excursion. There are too many stories to capture in words, but I learned more about 18th century midwifery then I ever knew, I found out a suitcase is pretty much all I need (in terms of material belongings), and I’m very grateful for Salomon for supporting me through these European races, giving me an amazing pair of trail shoes, and including me in their amazing international team.

Ok, now that I’ve got you somewhat up to date… I am back in Oakland, about to loose a toenail, and I just completed one of my favorite trail races to date, the Dirt Inspires Women’s Trail Half Marathon in Aptos, CA. The trails were absolutely beautiful with the perfect balance of rolling and flat. The race was very well organized, eco-friendly, volunteers galore, post-race massage for all the runners, and an announcer that seriously kicked-ass.

Before the race I was tired even with a cup of coffee, a 5 am wake-up is always a tad rough. After I had some toast with peanut butter and banana I headed off to Aptos. Sam and I were a bit groggy in the car, so I made him listen to Pitbull radio on Pandora. We stopped and picked up Will Gotthardt in Fremont and we all chitchatted until our arrival. Then I got my race number, 202, did a few miles of warming-up, and then I stood at the start line.

Quite honestly, I didn’t know what to expect. I had been feeling fit and strong, although there had been some bumps just before the race. This past Wednesday I said, “I can’t believe I said I liked these things” – in reference to hills as I staggered up them feeling slow, annoyed, and just fatigued (And the truth is I do like them, but dang some days they just kick your butt). Regardless, the second the gun went off on Sunday, I took the race and I set out to have fun and run fast. I had such a blast out on those trails. I wasn’t the most graceful over the five river crossings, but those rolling trails and even those climbs made me smile. I deeply apologize to those girls at the first aid station who I nearly took out on my way off Buggy Trail. I am extremely grateful for the amazing directions and cheers from all the volunteers. And thanks to all the other women who were out there racing and took the time to cheer too!

I came across the finish line in 1:33:44 where I was informed that I took 9 minutes off of the previous course record (results). I cooled down and cheered on the outstanding women who were approaching the finish. All I can say is for years I underestimated my abilities. I felt weird even trying to be up front in 2009. I never felt “fast.” But something was different yesterday, I felt fast and I didn’t feel weird taking the lead from the start. Words won’t do justice here because it wasn’t the winning that was important to me (although I do have to admit this does feel good too), but it was the change in myself. My confidence and abilities have grown through running and it has been life changing. In the end, that race, those trails, pushing my body, seeing all those other women out there enjoying the dirt, the rivers, the trees, it just made me incredibly content and happy. I believe I am still beaming from it and I hope all those other women are too. Thanks for an amazing race.

The Pyrenees and Kilian's Classik

2011-07-05T05:11:00.000-07:00

I arrived in the pyrenees lacking air, sleep, and a run. First things first, I slipped on my shoes and I went for a short five mile jog through Font-Romeu, France. It was beautiful and hilly. I spent the next few days exploring the area by myself as well as with other Salomon folks. The second day I ended up caught in hail. Hail so big that it literally left welts on my legs and hands. I also had a nice sore spot on top my head. Because the hail interfered with getting in a track workout I awoke the next day early to try mile repeats at altitude. Surprisingly it wasn't too bad although I was gasping for air the majority of the workout and even during my recovery. Other than running I enjoyed good food, company, and incredible sweet desserts. My plan was to run the Kilian's Classik 45k (but more like a 50k according to folks GPS) on Sunday. I started to have some doubts as the terrain was more technical than in the bay area, the altitude was sucking out some of my energy, and it seemed I'd be the only Salomon woman partaking in the distance. But in the end, I put on my international Salomon attire and I went out to take in an epic run.

And epic it was. The longest run I've done since Boston has been around two hours. I ended up spending close to five and a half hours on my feet. I wouldn't call it running per se. It was more like moments (or better said bursts) of running, maneuvering, standstills, awe, and hiking. I've come to find out that scree and I are not very intimate. I pretty much have a pure hate for it. Whether I'm climbing it or descending it I can't move quickly and it frankly pisses me off. I didn't get too frustrated during this run though instead I found humor. On the very steep down pitch of scree I was laughing (and being laughed at by the Frenchmen standing at the top). It was literally so crazy it was stupid. I just concentrated on my footing and refused to sprain an ankle or die from falling off the side of the earth. So yes there was more scree and uneven grass (the kind where you absolutely roll your ankles no matter what) and technical downhills than I would typically like, but it was fun. It was an adventure. The second half of the course was my favorite. The sun came out and there were lakes and vistas that were so gorgeous I thought I was starring at a painting. There were spots of mud and rocks and more climbs. Ah there was Coke with an hour left that made me gitty. I cruised into the finish first woman with a happy epic adventure.

I headed to the airport after a quick shower and yummy french bread and cheese. Unfortunately the epic adventure continued. I had made an error with my ticket causing me to miss my flight and I was stuck in Girona, Spain. But it gets even better, I meet this wonderful woman who is in a similar predicament. She literally proved to me how amazing and kind hearted people can be. I stopped crying, got food, sleep, and a ticket for the next morning. I arrived in London yesterday. First things first, a big hug and kiss to Sam, lunch and a chai (I hadn't had one in two weeks… boy did I miss it!), and then an eleven mile run through Heathrow Park where my legs did some screaming from time to time.

Let the epic adventure continue…

Here's a small clip from the start :)

USATF Trail 1/2 Marathon Champs

2011-06-14T14:10:00.001-07:00

I can't believe it has almost been two months since Boston and I can't believe I am just getting around to writing a new blog entry. It's difficult to share my awe with unexceptional moments and tidbits. I considered writing about training or about having two births on the same day or just about life, but every time I began writing I would decide to postpone for another week.

I ran the USATF trail half-marathon in Bend, Oregon on Sunday. It was great to be back out on the trails with fast company. It had been a questionable journey leading up to it for a couple reasons. First, I have a client that is about two weeks past her due date and I felt very indecisive about leaving her over the weekend. Two, I have been having some great workouts, but coupled with some failed attempts at racing (I dropped out of Tilden Tough Ten in May after the first mile as I had some numbness/pain in my quad and then I ran a very sad 38:52 10k on Memorial Day for the same reason). But, the actual journey to Bend was great. I had Sam's company along with the amazing scenery of northern California and Oregon.

Race morning I was feeling good and finally ready to race again. The first mile started fast and pretty much stayed that way as we winded down, up, and around some beautiful single tracks. The air was dry and it was hot. I took water at every aid station and I became accustomed to the occasional cough. After about mile 8, Megan-Lund, Katie Caba, and I had unfortunately spaced ourselves out quite evenly and it remained that way to the finish. I finished 5th in 1:26:40. The top five women were all within two minutes of one another! You can see results here. And read more at Scott Dunlap's blog.

I would write more, but I've got a lot on my plate at the moment. Sam and I will be leaving for Michigan to visit my family next Wednesday. From there I will be off to Spain, London, Austria, and Italy where some intense mountain races await me! I hope my body is ready to climb again! These mountains look crazy! More to come regarding my summer adventures and life...

Olympic Trials Baby!

2011-04-19T21:37:00.001-07:00

(Photo courtesy of Scott Mason)

First off, a fire alarm is not the best way to awaken the morning of a marathon. My first response (and thank goodness I had laid everything out the previous morning) was to throw on my racing gear, pack up my stuff, and get the hell out of the hotel. This was my thinking: a. if there was in fact a fire, I was not going to miss the fucking race and b. there is no way I wanted to be climbing up 11 flights of stairs after a false alarm. So I headed out with my personal belongings and descended the stairwell along with all the other hotel occupants. ‘In the end, it definitely worked out for me. I was able to head towards the Fairmont Hotel (where the elite buses would be arriving/boarding), enjoy a bagel and peanut butter in the lobby, and then mingle a little before heading out towards the start via bus.

At the start area, my nerves and heartbeat were humming with their usual nervous energy, but I just kept reminding myself that all I needed to do was run. As I toed the line, I was excited. After a year I was getting to finally take a shot at the Trials standard. When the gun went off I reminded myself that there was no urgency and to just stay relaxed. I felt good and tried to trust my body versus the various mile splits I had written on my arm. At some point I knew every one of them was going to be four minutes faster than intended, but I still kept glancing at them. Luckily I only had them written for every five miles. I’ve typically been better at listening to my body versus numbers. Anyhow, I latched on to number 37, Kasie Enman, for a while. But after mile 15, I had become one lonesome girl and was out by myself with only the Boston suburbanites and the tarmac for company. I got some blurred vision around this point. Thank goodness for vanilla GU and the cute little kid that I high fived for bringing me back into focus. I just kept on moving one foot in front of the other.

Around mile 21, the elite men caught up with me. The noise of the sirens was a bit irritating and I got distracted. One nice bicyclist encouraged me to run the tangents and not hug the shoulder. He also confirmed that I looked strong (In fact, he found me in the tent afterwards and made a point to congratulate me! People are so great!). Other than the fact that the men made me feel like I was standing still, I found the whole experience kind of neat. Around this point I started to realize that I probably would accomplish my goal from 2010 and qualify for the Olympic Marathon Trials.

But, for some reason over the next four miles I worried. What if I cramp up? What if I started too fast? What if I have to walk? What if I keel over? This is when I realized being alone has its faults. I thought of a text I had received from Heather Macfalls the night before the race, which ended by saying “you are so strong and ready.” I just kept saying that to myself. When I hit the sign saying there was a mile left, I knew that this was it. I had done what I set out to do and I was feeling strong and happy! Seeing the finish, hearing the crowd, and crossing that finish in 2:41:37 felt surreal. I was as happy as a jelly bean!

There was something that really struck me in those last ten miles. Even though I was out there running by myself I felt supported by the people I know and don’t know. The crowd carried me. Staying relaxed and trusting myself carried me. All the pre-race wishes I got from my friends and family carried me. You all carried me! I just can’t thank those that high-fived, screamed for #41 (that was me in case you were confused), who eagerly held out water for me, who loved my red shoes (or race cars according to Griffin Brown), and that clapped their hands. I can’t thank those of you that know me enough. It’s my friends and family that believe in me even when I don’t believe in myself. I am just so grateful to have the support and encouragement from you all. So yeah I guess I am getting a little sappy, but it’s true!

So what do you do after a 17+ minute marathon PR? You smile a lot. You get lots of super nice Facebook comments/messages. You can’t really sleep. You wonder how it all went by so fast. You realize you’re capable of anything if you work hard and listen. You hop on a late flight home to give your boyfriend a big hug and eat a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. You sit here writing this blog still in awe. You have slight difficulty descending stairs. And of course, you look forward to the continuation of the journey…. Olympic Trials…. Whoohoooo!

Boston

2011-04-09T16:32:00.001-07:00

The Boston count down has begun, nine days to go. I am nervous, excited, and open to how it unfolds. The last month I've been far too busy to focus on it. I am literally just trying to get through one day at a time. I've been traveling, first to New York for the half marathon then to France for Salomon's Advanced Week. In the mix of being in and out of town, babies are being born, teaching has been crazy, and I am of course squeezing in runs, sleep, and meals. Plain and simple, I am way busier than I'd like to be. Life hasn't been feeling particularly rhythmic, but my runs have been keeping my heart and feet in tempo.

I ran Boston Marathon in 2003. It was my second marathon. I qualified via Grandma's Marathon in 2002. I figured I would never have the opportunity to do it again. It took me until 2009 to run another marathon, San Francisco Nike Women's Marathon. I just didn't feel called to racing. Sure Boston was a unique experience eight years ago, but it also felt overwhelming and chaotic. It also left me with a semi-permanent tattoo of my name down my right arm. When someone says to write your name with permanent marker down your arm, don't listen, particularly when it's sunny and you're pale from living in Northern Michigan. I ran Boston in 3:31:07 and I finished 4391 overall. I've come a long way since that nervous 22 year old.

Sure I have goals for this race. Ideally, I'll sneak in under 2:46. But in the end, I'm grateful seeing how far I've come. How far I've come since that twelve year old that could barely make it one lap around the track. Or since that high schooler that would run randomly to her best friend's house, nearly 13 miles aways. Or since 2008 when I finally got over my race anxieties and set out on the trails racing. Or since last year when I experienced my worst injury to date and learned to except my limitations. I have only been back running for three and a half months. I finally feel good and strong, but there are always doubts. This will be my fourth marathon. The first with specific training. I will actually wear appropriate shoes and hopefully not end with bloody knees like I did in SF Nike.

So here I come Boston 2011.

New York City 1/2

2011-03-26T13:34:00.001-07:00

On May 20th, 2011 I stepped foot into Central Park. I was warming up with some of the best runners in the country and beyond. I spent the previous day and a half feeling out of place. On Friday evening I had the pleasure of eating dinner with Meb Keflezighi. I had so many questions, but yet found myself frequently speechless. I was entertained by the idea that we had ordered the same meal, a chicken sandwich. Then, on Saturday afternoon, I sat between Kara Goucher and Ryan Hall at the elite meeting. As I looked around the room I had feelings that I should not be running as elite… particularly here and now, amongst all this talent, ability, and speed. It was all so surreal until I felt the cool breeze on Sunday morning. I wanted to run a strong, consistent race, gage my fitness for Boston next month, and gain faith that my body could handle the road. In the back of my head I wondered how my body would handle this race a week after a 50k.

I had flown into New York the preceding Wednesday. I had ventured off to Connecticut for a couple days with family. My sister, nephews, and brother in-law kept my mind off my tired legs. My youngest nephew, the one who I had the pleasure of delivering, gave me a sole focus for my race. As I was lacing up my shoes one morning, he turned to me and said, "Aunt Caiti your shoes look like race cars." Every time my mind started to go down a negative path during the race I reminded myself that my shoes were race cars according to three-year-old Griffin.

At 5k into the race, I had some doubts. I feared being disappointed, slowing down, or literally falling apart. I looked down at my shoes, took a deep breath, and smiled. Consistency seemed to be perfected as I had pretty even splits at each mile marker. The first eight miles looped through Central Park and I was surprised by the ups and downs. I expected flats, but I was treated to rolling climbs for 8 miles. Then we dropped out of the park and it was a nice steady decent through Time Square and into the finish. I felt great, particularly around mile 10 where I finally felt warmed up. I was amazed by how great my legs and body felt especially considering my 50k last weekend. I finished in 1:19:24, an 11 sec PR… whohoo (huge I know)! I felt like I could have kept that pace for at least another 5 miles. It was very clear that I had more speed somewhere in those legs. But, it was also very clear that my body knows 6 minute pace. My lungs were great, I was breathing fine and even talking throughout the race. Ultimately I am grateful that my body has been recovering so well and that there is still some speed in my legs.

I am incredibly grateful for my NYC experience. Thanks to the New York Road Runners for a fabulous and organized race! Thanks to Infinite Running for encouraging my participation and taking good care of me! Thanks to all those insanely fast and inspirational runners! And thanks Griffin Brown for making me smile for 13.1 miles!

Looking forward to spending the next month dialing in for Boston.

Two Years Later - Way Too Cool 50k 2011

2011-03-13T20:21:00.000-07:00

It is hard to believe that it has been two years since I ran my first ultra. It is hard to believe that I am now in a new age category, yes, 30. I have made some improvements since 2009 like learning not to race in red cotton shorts, consuming meat again (after five years vegetarian and two vegan), but I still have my doubts, anxieties, and many more obstacles to overcome. Yesterday, I was more nervous than I was at the start of 2009 Way Too Cool 50k (or at least it seemed like it). Coming back from an injury has proved to be difficult. I don't trust my body like I did. Over the last few months there has been low back pain, quad numbness, twinges, SI dysfunction, chiropractic, physical therapy, massage, way more treadmill running that I planned on, and in the end, doubt about whether I am in fact healed. In the last month I've been feeling more like myself, but there are occasional hitches in my step. I'm trying to patient, but I do find it really fucking frustrating. My hips are rotated and twisted. So who can magically fix them? Not quite that simple when it's years of habits, maybe too many plies, maybe getting thrown from a horse at a young age, maybe too many times sitting cross legged, maybe sleeping on my right side too much… in the end, it doesn't matter. The body is mysterious and amazingly intelligent. It learns to adapt. And I am learning to adapt to it.

At the start of Way Too Cool I tried to put all doubt aside. I tried to remember what I was grateful for as I gave Sam a kiss and my warm-ups. He stood at the start, left foot in boot, and right hand with cane. I knew how badly he was looking forward to this race, but there he was with broken toe supporting me (Note: we're both upping the calcium and vitamin d just in case you were going to mention it). A few minutes before the race started a couple more people said hi and mentioned it was great to see me back running. That meant a lot, thank you! Then it was 8:00 and we headed off. It was great. The first 8 mile loop was on mainly new terrain (with the exception of the same paved road start). After slightly over a mile there was a gorilla that jumped out at us. I thought that was the coolest addition and I would have liked to see him more frequently throughout the course particularly around goat hill. Anyway, in the first 10+ miles Peter, Will, Joelle, and I were cruising. There was mud, river crossings (I need to learn better technique… currently I stop, stare, and then clumsily walk through the water), and beautiful single tracks. Around mile 10, Joelle eased up on the decent, and Will and I headed off with Peter quickly catching up. Around mile 16, Will mentioned that we were on a 7:12 mile average pace. That's pretty ballsy for your first 50k race post-injury, but, I felt good, so we kept trucking. We trucked right up dead truck hill. We lost Will at the top, but Peter and I kept running and chatting here and there. I had the lovely experience of a jammed up SaltStick dispenser and I will blame the last 5 miles of muscle cramping on this little malfunction. Well that and pure fitness base. As soon as I hit goat hill I knew Joelle would be close. I had to walk that damn thing. In 2009 I believe I ran most of it… how the hell did I do that? And that's when I started to feel like absolute crap. My muscles started cramping. My body was ready to shut down at mile 26, 27, 28, and I thought I was going to have to walk it in at mile 29.5. When Joelle came up the last climb after highway 49 there was absolutely nothing I could do. I had nothing. I didn't have my usual speedy legs. I literally had zero. In fact, I questioned if I could actually jog it into the finish. I wish that gorilla would have carried me in or scared me shittless so I would've gotten a move on it. Oh well as Peter said to me, "you either have it or you don't." For the first time, I really didn't. Numb left quad and tight crampy legs I made it to the finish in 4:04. That will be my third fastest 50k, but the most terrible feeling finish (ok I lied 2nd day of 2010 TRR, 14 miles on a stress fracture was far worse).

Once I came through the shoot I congratulated Joelle. She ran an amazing race (Note: all you ladies running Western States better watch out because that girl can climb and no matter what she says, she has leg speed too)! Then I just stood there hugging Sam and crying. Plain and simple I felt like crap mentally and physically. I expected more from my body, but ultimately accepted my limits. Ok so I'm not quite where I want to be, but I'm here, I'm running, and I have amazing friends and the nicest competition. Plus, I am getting one step closer to trusting my body again, one of my biggest obstacles to date.

(Note: Thanks to all the great volunteers and Julie for an amazing race at Cool! My favorite = the gorilla... he's a keeper!)

Direction

2011-02-14T15:13:00.000-08:00

Take a left after going over the footbridge. I stood there multi-tasking, reading directions and peeing at the same time. I peered over the sign one more time, Robie Trail, Cool - 5 miles away. Ok, I double-check the directions. I had already taken two wrong turns. I pulled up my shorts, tucked in the directions and headed left. After about 5 minutes I thought it was strange to still be heading downhill. I should be heading uphill, up Goat Hill. The trail dispensed me on the Western States Trail. No problem, I thought. I was familiar with this section as it was where I was at about 5 miles into my run. I was now probably 20 miles into my run with an empty water bottle and tired legs. Things stopped looking familiar. I didn't recall campsites. Shit! I forgot to take the little single track that spit me out on the WST. I came across a man in a hat with a walking stick. He confirmed that Highway 49 was a mile up the way, but that Cool was multiple miles up 49. Shit! Ah ha, here was a little trail. I veer to the left. I'm climbing, still climbing, more climbing. Ok this trail is still too far from Cool. I descend. I head towards 49, eyeing my watch, checking in with my legs. I approach a parking lot where two women have just stepped out of their mini-van. I apologize with slightly teary eyes and ask a favor. They instantly take me along with my tired legs and empty water bottle back to the Cool Fire Station. That was a first. Never had to hitchhike. I couldn't thank them enough as I approached Sam who stood by his car. A 3:15 hour run had quickly turned into 3:47. The longest time on my feet post-stress-fracture. I backtracked through the adventure. I was supposed to take a left after the footbridge. Why the hell did I go right? At first I started blaming yoga and pilates, constantly mirroring people makes it easy to confuse left and right. Then I blamed my pit stop because before peeing, I turned 180 degrees. Of course I was just kind of laughing through this internal dialogue. I ran and I was content even with misdirection, extra climbs, and lack of water. Even with directions we get lost. I'm all about it, more adventure and mystery this way. In changing into my flip-flops I noticed my toes had a taken a bit of a beating. I had to laugh some more. I was too happy being out there on those beautiful single tracks to have noticed. Ah what's a little misdirection and blood! So,in the end, I don't recommend peeing while reading directions. I do recommend treating yourself to a hamburger and beer after such adventures.

2011-01-02T10:15:00.000-08:00

It has been quite a year. But, I have learned to adjust, adapt, and explore more than just my love of running. At the end of November, I was able to lace up my shoes and begin running again. It was harder, slower, and shorter than I expected especially with all my doubt. I feared that the stress fracture would return. It was difficult to differentiate between pain and soreness in the beginning days and weeks. Finally, I consider myself back to running. I am at half the mileage that I was in July, but I feel stronger, more aware, and happy. Just the other day I went for a run in the Uwharrie National Park in North Carolina. It was a single track trail, but not exactly ideal running. It was rocky and the tree roots were covered by masses of leaves. With every step I risked spraining an ankle. I probably crossed the same creek ten times. Yet, I was smiling ear to ear. It was fun. I felt like a little kid again tromping through the leaves. Maybe that's what months away from running provides, presence; learning not to look back, seeing where I'm heading, and knowing that there will be unexpected rocks and twigs. Creativity has been essential. I am back painting. Learning to lose control with the paintbrush and just have fun. Every single time I end up painting, it ends up some shade of red. I am trying to branch out on my color scheme. You'd think exploring a new color would be easy after being injured, as it taught me a great deal about vulnerability, control, and inquiry. I am incredibly grateful for those that inspired me to be creative and trust that I would heal and be stronger for it. I have no idea what to expect in 2011. Possibly some yellow paintings. Maybe a chance at the Olympic Marathon Trials. Hopefully more smiles and tromping through leaves and mud. In the end, I'm excited about it, however it unfolds.

Support

2010-10-16T15:54:00.000-07:00

A month ago I almost cancelled plans for Chicago. It was going to be my race of the year, my focus race. The one where I would attempt a qualifying time for the Olympic Marathon Trials. Instead, I sat here looking forward to a jog on the trails. I would be grateful for five minutes of feeling what I love: the wind, my breath, and my feet jumping off the ground. But, I will continue to wait, maybe one week, maybe another month or more. Everyone has a different opinion, but the consensus is somewhere around 12 weeks. I just made it 8.

I did go to Chicago a couples weekends ago to support Sam and spend time with our families. The plane ride made me teary eyed, being amongst 45,000 runners at the start ate me up, and then, I just accepted where I was at, on the corner of Jackson and Michigan Avenue. I made my way to mile two and camped out with tons of other supporters until runners arrived. It was loud and chaotic. I shouted for Sam, but my cheers got lost in the noise of cowbells and fellow screams. Then, I was off to mile 13 where I stood awed by all these people. People showing support, excitement, and encouragement. It was a part of a race that I have rarely witnessed. As I stood there overwhelmed my this sense of love, my phone rang. It was my parents informing me that Sam had pulled out at mile 11. I booked it two miles down the road to meet them. He sat on the curb and I walked over and hugged him. I wasn't in his shoes, but I could relate to that feeling of things not going as planned. Seeing a vision and then getting struck by unexpected reality. We've all been there in running and in life. Sometimes we know why it happens and often, we have no idea what went wrong. Not being able to run has made me discover a great deal about loss. There are many emotions involved. At first there was the pure anger, then denial (Who says you can't run 20 minutes on a stress fracture? I did. A couple times. Of course this is when I so badly just wanted it to be a little tendinitis.), several bouts of sadness, and then you just come to a point of acceptance.

I am incredibly grateful. Grateful that I didn't fuck up things worse and that I can still move my body in some form. That I have a wonderful family and friends that will love me whether I run 100 mile weeks or just sit and cry about not being able to run five minutes. They will support me through all my ups and downs. And also realizing that I love supporting people through their ups and downs. Seeing people go through the process of childbirth, having pilates clients recovering from chemo, calming teenagers who have no home and no family, giving prisoners resources to feel competent in a world that says they're not... just giving a friend a hug when they're having a shitty day. This is life, this is important. And this is what I miss about the running community. I miss that support. I miss the camaraderie. The long runs where you can discuss life, all its positive and negatives. Sure I miss the actual act of running, but there is more to it than flying down single track trails. It is my support. It is my hug when I am having a shitty day.

Patiently waiting to have a healed body,
Caitlin

Diagnosis

2010-10-06T11:21:00.000-07:00

My official diagnosis: stress fracture of the hip at the point of the lesser trochanter along with inflammation of iliopsoas. The good news is that the MRI showed signs that it is in fact healing. But, I'm not allowed to do any running and jumping until I feel absolutely nothing in my groin. This will probably be 2-3 weeks and I should be back running normal in 4 weeks. Keeping my fingers crossed that my body keeps healing as I learn to be patient. It has been an interesting 6 weeks so far...
- I got a cat. Her name is Sibley. She is awesome.
- I started studying to become a Lactation Consultant.
- I've made 3 paintings.
- Pool running and swimming have become essential. 2+ hours of pool running are probably a bit excessive, but so what.
- I got 8 new pairs of running shoes in mail. I can't wait to actually wear them on the trails and not just stare at them in the boxes.
- I've learned that sometimes you have to surrender to your body.
- 2 months now is nothing if it means running longer throughout my life.
- I realized I'm weaker than I thought.
- I realized I'm tougher than I thought.
- I'm incredibly grateful for the support of my boyfriend, family, friends, and sponsors.
- You can't always run from things, but sit-ups and pilates can be a temporary fix.
- Calcium and Vitamin C are essential!
- Sleeping a lot is great and even better when you have a cute cat to keep you company.
- Caffeine consumption has stopped. Ok I'll still have some tea.
- I love running, but my body is a critical component. It comes first and I need to listen to it.
- I can't believe how I could convince myself that it "didn't hurt that bad" or "it isn't really pain"... in retrospect... that shit hurt. At least the first few days post TRR. Muscle spasms that wake you up at night = not good.
- As badly as I wanted to listen to everyone who said, "it isn't a stress fracture." I should have listened to my gut.
- Broccoli is my favorite veggie and I should eat even more of it.
- Discovering new things about yourself are essential.
- Slowing down stinks, but it has taught be that I'm not invincible.
- I am really grateful even when I'm sad and bummed out.

Ok, off to the pool for some more aqua jogging... whooohooo!

Ultra-Runners and Birth

2010-09-23T16:25:00.000-07:00

For the first time ever, I helped two ultra-runners bring a baby into the world. Congratulations Jen and JB Benna! They had a beautiful baby girl at 4:44 am this morning.

Fragments

2010-09-19T11:48:00.000-07:00

I’ve been avoiding this blog entry, but screw it pessimism is part of life and injuries suck. Yes, you can learn from everything, but give me a chance to vent. I’ve been hobbling around, boring myself with long stints of pool running, and crying way more than I’d like. I deserve a chance to be just how I am in this moment, a tad bit pessimistic. And the reality is we’ve all been there and none of us go, “gee I’m so glad to be injured right now!” Sure we learn to deal and we’re grateful for when we return to the trails. But plain and simple, injuries just stink.

The week before Transrockies, I began to notice tightness in my right hip flexor. After a few days off, things seemed normal and even during the first stage at TRR my hips we’re feeling alright. After crossing the line, I noticed tightness building up and a limp set in. I got a massage, kept my fingers crossed, and tried not to think about it. But, every single time I stood up, my hip hated me. I grew worried. I knew I couldn’t make it another 5 days. I knew I should have never came not being a 110%. I didn’t want to let my partner down. Salomon down. And ultimately myself down. This is the story of my life. Not wanting to let people down. So like a complete idiot, I ran stage 2. I honestly don’t even know how I made it. I’ve never been in that amount of pain. I tied to block it, but I was crying and just trying to make it one step closer to the end. No smiles or laughter, it was just, “get me the fuck to the finish.” I’ve spent a month paying for that decision and who knows how much longer. On day 3, I left TRR with support and encouragement from every one to get better and take good care of myself. Every single time I stepped on to my right foot, it was intense sharp shooting pain. The crutches became essential for a few days. I had muscle spasms at night that woke me up. I couldn’t lift my right leg without using my hands. And the worst part, I couldn’t do what I loved, run, let alone put on a pair of pants.

Slowly things have been improving, but not fast. I still hobble, but less and less. I’ve been putting it off due to cost, but I’m going to go get an MRI. I’ve been working with an amazing physical therapist and he has helped tremendously. I highly recommend Dan if you’re looking for amazing/life changing pt. He has helped release my psoas, get my hips back in alignment, and decrease my discomfort. There is some question of if I tore my labrum, the cartilage around my hip joint. This would explain the sudden bouts of pain that I get when I slip or roll my foot over a rock when walking. This also means surgery and a few months without running. In fact it could mean nothing until 2011. I’ve never spent more than two weeks away from running. I’ve now spent four and it just makes me terribly sad. Running is what I looked forward to every morning. Sure, I’ve found other things in life that I love and appreciate, but running has been a staple.

I told myself that if I wasn’t smiling than I wasn’t running for the right reason any more. I don’t know what happened from last year to this year. Maybe too much pressure. Maybe too much focus. I’ve lost the smile. The enjoyment. I’m not making any decisions at the current moment other than finding ways to smile again. I don’t know if I’m going to continue to be competitive. I don’t know if I want running to be such a big focus. At this point, I don’t know. I do know I need to be smiling and enjoying life, not fighting it and struggling with every step. I’ve pulled out my paint for the first time in a few years; I need to be creative again. To get lost in the moment. To be more intuitive and less caught up in minutes and miles. To go back to the girl who stopped to jump in mud puddles because plain and simple, it was just fun.

I’ve got a lot of thoughts to sort threw. I am not making decisions right this second, but I have no choice but to back off. To go back to the mud puddles. To paint. To be creative. To let running become a piece of my life, but not my focus. To just be me. To write incomplete sentences because I like to. That’s my update.

2010-09-03T11:46:00.000-07:00

2010-08-26T16:14:00.000-07:00

Photo Blog

2010-08-20T09:12:00.001-07:00

Truth be told, I've grown a bit tired of writing about running. So, for the time being, I am shifting to a photo blog... very little words and more images from my life.

A brief update...

2010-08-17T15:15:00.000-07:00

I don’t know what to write. Too many thoughts and far too little has been written. It seems like it was just yesterday that Sam and I were enjoying some pre-race red wine at Luigi’s in Spokane, getting our tattoos in Portland, and making peanut butter bagels as the road danced by our eyes. It was in fact two weeks ago that we ventured up to the USATF 15k Trail Championships in Spokane, Washington. Short races nearly kill me. They’re hard, mentally and physically. I like the challenge… ok maybe not at 7.5k, but at some point post-race and amidst an endorphin rush. Six days prior I ran the San Francisco 1/2. My legs were responding to this, Jack’s workouts, and 100-mile weeks. My mind was apathetic, but my heart was euphoric. The day after the trail championships, Sam and I ran through Forest Park in Portland. It was magical. I love being surrounded by trees. And of course, I was happy to be running further than 9 miles. My heart carted my exhausted legs and mind. At mile 16, with 5 miles to go, I was overwhelmed by sadness. I had to stop. I took a moment to cry, caught by breath, wiped away the tears, and proceeded on to the car. For the remainder of the car travel, I was a sleepy curled up ball. Often stating my uncertainty for my lethargy… ummm duh! After Mt. Washington, I started receiving workouts from Jack Daniels. My body is adjusting and I am loving the hard effort. But, changing intensity does create a response. My body is on a learning curve, feeling strong some days and exhausted on others. When I was coaching high school cross-country we got sweatshirts made that said, “if you push the human body, it will respond.” Speaking of coaching, I am back at it. One day a week, on Wednesdays, I am doing workouts to prepare folks for the North Face 50k and 50 miler. I did my first week of a 16-week series this past week. It was a blast. Not only do I love running, but I love other people that love to run! For those of you who are interested there are a few spots remaining. Check it out on the Endurables website!

More depth to come when I have a second to sort through my thoughts...

Watch Out Boys

2010-07-08T14:59:00.000-07:00

When I was in first grade I recall playing football during recess. Screw the monkey bars, I wanted to run, throw, and maybe overall just try to impress (or better put conquer) the boys. This probably lasted two weeks and then I realized my weak arms couldn't throw and the boys often refused to pass to the slowest runner. I went back to jump roping and hand clapping Miss Sue. I still deeply wanted to prove that I could be just as strong as those boys. Twenty-three years later on July 3rd at PCTR's Pacifica 50k I got to beat the boys. I showed up at the race planning to use it as a long training run. I started off at a pleasant pace and to my surprise I came through the 21k mark at 1:48 (just 3 minutes slower than my 21k PR on that course). My body felt extremely rhythmic and I was in my element. The climbs were hardly the effort of Mt. Washington, which was just two weeks prior. My body was happy and I was happy to be enduring my favorite distance in a beautiful place. Around 30K I started to wonder if I could take down the men's course record, but then thought "don't get greedy Caitlin." I went on enjoying myself. I was smiling with the exception of the second climb up Montara when my water bottle sunk to empty. Ok maybe I had a slight smirk even then. I came cruising into the finish in 4:27! 2 minutes faster than the men's course record! I enjoyed a post race beer, hot dog, and a huge smile when I found out I was 42 minutes in front of the next guy. I am not trying to break any egos, but I do like when women can kick a man's bootie... just saying... now who wants to go throw around a football? Screw that who wants to hit the trails?!

Mt. Washington Road Race

2010-06-21T07:46:00.000-07:00

Some days aren't your days. It is easy to start blaming things and making excuses... I didn't eat a very good dinner... I was an emotional wreck... I couldn't sleep... My hip hurt... I felt sick...I didn't know the course... I trained too hard... etc....etc. I always find this interesting because on the days that are yours these same things are sometimes present too. I have had some of my best races on cereal dinners, after emotional upheavals, with 3 hours of sleep, feeling achy/sick, not knowing a single step of a course, and training like a mad woman. Regardless of the day we're all aiming for our best. And sometimes we just have to surrender to what happens. Our bodies and minds are mysterious, sometimes carrying us and sometimes fighting us. As Buddha says, every day is different. Anyhow I will do my best to avoid a blog of excuses. I did my best on Saturday. I am inthralled by the amazing talent of all the runners that headed up Mount Washington. It is an epic course that tests personal strength and determination.

Taking a step back, I found out about this race in 2009. It caught my attention and I decided at the beginning of the year I would give it a go. The instant I got into the race fear settled in and I was scared shitless. I put off buying my plane ticket, doubted my training, and questioned what in the heck I was doing. But, eventually I just dove in. I knew if I didn't show up I'd always wonder 'what if.' There is no way I would ever have stepped foot in a race like Mt. Washington two years ago. My lack of running confidence and my anxiety ate me up. I've come a long way in a couple years. Sure my old habit has a way of reappearing, but I am fighting it, sometime with a glass of wine and jokes, but hey it's getting me to the starting line!

I flew into Portland, Maine on Thursday evening. I spent the night there and woke-up to find a yoga class in town. It was the perfect class. It was gentle, mellow, and relaxing. The instructor, Rebecca, spoke of surrendering. How perfect... right?! I let go in that moment. I was in the best mood driving to New Hampshire after the class. I sang along to country music as I drove in the sunshine. I arrived in Intervale where I stayed the night in a cute little motel. Then Saturday June 19th, I drove 20 minutes to the start. My hip has been an ongoing issue for the last few months, but I knew I could push through (of course being alone in a motel the night before makes you think too much about such things). Shit I was able to push through Miwok with a hurting hip and an upset stomach (and to date, that has been my hardest race). Anyway, I just surrendered and knew I'd make it to the top.

The canon went off and in 90 degree heat, we were off. It started fast and I tried to stick with a fast pack of women. I kept a few in eyesight and then we were into mile one, 7:38. My first thought, "oh shit!" Too fast and instantly I started thinking, maybe I won't make it to the top. Then there was that mental battle. Mile two I had to stop and walk, holding on to my hip as if that would cure it. People cruised past. Fuck this I thought. Then it was, "now Caitlin get a grip, you've been through worse, you're strong, come on now." Back to running. Then "yay some mellower grade. I can do this!" Hip pain... damn walking again. "This sucks." Anyway you get the point. It was one foot in front of the other with a constant internal and physical battle. At mile 5 things started to change. The hip chilled. I took in the views. I started to get my groove and then it was over far too fast. 7.6 miles up a hill even with an average grade of 11.5% is just too short. Too short for me at least. I am learning I don't really warm up until mile 5 or 6 and then I really start enjoying a race around 11 or 12. I like the long stuff. The short stuff is a good challenge, but it is never very rhythmic for me. I just like more time with my epic experiences. Personal preference that's all.

I finished tenth at Mt. Washington. Not what I hoped, but I am proud of it. I got to the starting line. I made it to the top. I was humbled and happy. I am growing as a runner and better yet, as a person.

Full results
More Info on the race

Habitat

2010-06-14T12:36:00.000-07:00

I am getting close to another move. Since coming to California seven years ago, I have moved almost every year. The feeling of packing boxes and creating a new home has become a common experience. Ironically from birth until 18, I lived in the same house in Traverse City, Michigan. My parents are still there, on the hill and tucked into the woods. It makes perfect sense that my new place is in the hills surrounded by trees. I can't wait to swing in a hammock outside listening to the birds and wind. I look forward to lacing up my shoes and running less than a mile to the trails. I've learned to adapt to various locations, loosing grounding and then regaining it, living amongst helicopters every night and bright street lights, having roommates and disagreements, struggling to pay rent, and knowing ultimately home is arbitrary. It isn't the house, but what we bring to it (and sometimes you discover all you have is yourself and a few boxes of books). The space is a sense of comfort and we can absorb the chaos of the world knowing that we can come home. As I get older I realize it is people and relationships that have inspired me to compose myself in this discordant world. Everyone from brief encounters to big conflicts has encouraged me to find home and inspiration even in moments of tears and pure frustration with life.
-Grandma for sharing tea and conversations (and for treating me to Golden Grahams as a kid - I know my mom wasn't a big fan, but I appreciated the treat).
-Mom for truly reminding me that my body is a gift and that it is the one thing I'll have my entire life.
-Dad for encouraging me to keep making art and following my dreams (and of course spicy chili too).
-Meghan for having me run up our driveway, teaching me to shave my legs, and showing me the beauty of childbirth (oh and doing Jane Fonda workout routines together in the living room).
-Bryan for chasing me around the house, playing nasty rap music with your kicker sound system, and for showing me how you can achieve big dreams with desire.
-Heather for that track meet our senior year and your pep talk about how I had fast twitch muscles too. Why the hell was I running a 400 meter... seriously?!
-Josh for our conversation on your trampoline... I did get into U of M and you convinced me to be less doubtful of myself (oh and thanks for referring to me as a "chick magnet")
-Jordan for saving me in the pouring rain, giving me a home for a week, and letting me win my first arm wrestling match.
-Will ah shit, so many thanks. I would never have thought I was even close to fast without you. You brought out the bobcat and several other traits!
-Sam for our conversations, helping me change my tire, telling me the best stories ever, and oh the cuddle parties and icing. And for reminding me that I have an extra gear... just for you I'll do my best to throw-up at the top of Mt. Washington Saturday. (And thanks for the bonus of letting me finish in front of you last weekend, probably the one and only time that will happen).
-Ann Post for telling me women don't peak in their running until their 30s and inspiring me to keep falling in love with running.
-Mr. Sprattmoran for encouraging me to write and for allowing us to make a paper mache buddha while learning about eastern religion.
-Dan for your knowledge of the human body.
-Ricardo for that ridiculously cute picture that had Emily and I laughing are asses off, for that meal that you promised to make me like 6 f'n years ago, and for accompanying me to the bubble tea place.
-Tim for reminding me that yoga/life is all about strength and flexibility and finding the balance between the two.
-Danielle for that super entertaining night at Kingman's and for all our great and entertaining conversations.
-Devon for teaching me how to haul ass downhill and sticking with me through all those ups and downs even on the Ohlone trail when you encouraged me that I was a little spark plug.
-Kate for being the best workshop partner ever! You are one of the warmest people I've met (honestly, you should never ever get a parking ticket... too frickin' sweet for that nonsense).
-Matt for teaching me how to blow up onions in the desert and inspiring my own photography.

And of course there are many more, but this would take me far too long and I do need to go for a run. But if we've crossed paths know that I am incredibly grateful and you are part of the reason that I will find my way back home.

Rhythm

2010-05-31T12:50:00.000-07:00

There are assumptions that we all make. We do. We may try hard not to, but we do. We judge. We question. Most of all, we judge and question ourselves. Sometimes we try so damn hard that we keep failing at what we're trying to do. I bet you didn't know that I was in love with Culture Club as a kid. Of yes, Boy George had a special place in my heart, maybe it was because it was the 80's or maybe I just liked his eye shadow. I would dance around the living room hoping that my moves and voice would land me a spot on Star Search. Boy George was eventually replaced with Vanilla Ice and Kirs Kross. Then I discovered music, the kind that you feel, that moves you without a catchy lyric. It can make you cry with one note and smile with the next verse. The kind that brings you closer to the cute guy holding your hand in the Fillmore. Or to your high school best friend and the stars in a field in Northern Michigan. Or to your parents while watching Aretha Franklin. Or to yourself when you're all alone on a Sunday night. Such a simple thing that sustains us in moments of highs and lows. I wasn't planning on writing a blog entry on music, but somehow this is where I ended up. I was just thinking and sometimes this is how my thoughts drift. I am not going to say that one musician is better than another. Shit Insane Clown Posie was just important to me as Taj Mahal... sometimes you need a different mood or perspective. Sometimes you need a catchy lyric and sometimes you need pure emotion and rhythm. And sometimes you need to just cuss and head bang especially as a woman... yup ladies or should I say fuck yeah ladies.

Ah shit, hope you guys can hang on for a longer entry. I got a little off track. So going back to the first few sentences. Those regarding judgement, blah, blah. So I have something to admit. Even with a Lucky Thong and a running skirt, I feel an urge to be tough. Maybe it was the few years of playing football with the boys during recess. Or trying to run with my close guy friend in junior high track practice. Shit maybe Vanilla Ice and Kris Kross really brought out my don't mess with me because I'll try to come back fitter and stronger attitude. Or maybe I've got a bit of a feminist side and I'd really love to see women crossing the line in front of men (no offense guys). Even though I feel this urge to be tough, I struggle. I settle in comfort. I am learning. Learning to push up Mt. Diablo huffing and puffing, grateful to get to the top four minutes faster than previous training runs. And extremely grateful to the guy that encouraged me that I could dig deeper. Through the climbs, tears, and desires I am discovering that it is ultimately about rhythm. Life. Music. Running. Breathing. Living. The rhythm changes. Sometimes it is equivalent to a simple slow breath as I lay in bed at night trying to slow down my thoughts. And sometimes it is like a trendy lyric. And other times it is something you feel with every heartbeat...

Tilden Tough Ten, Mt.Washington, and Yoga!

2010-05-18T14:41:00.000-07:00

This past weekend I ran the Tilden Tough Ten. I had my typical blah pre-week where I felt slow and broken. I got to the start and as soon as we took off my strong side reappeared. It was a great day to run, foggy, cool, and windy. (I wrote that and then just thought, when is not a good day to run?!) The weather allowed me to sport my arm sleeves for the first time. The course is on a paved rolling trail for about 8 miles, from mile 4-5 you drop down a dirt trail and then turn around and come right back up. The best part is the turn around was a guy standing with his bike saying, "turn around here." The climb from mile 5-6 is for sure tough. I ran a 1:05:46 (results) and I followed up with a nice 8ish mile cool down. See this is what starts happening when you start getting into ultras, a ten mile run starts to feel like a warm-up! Thanks Lake Merritt Joggers and Striders for a great race!

I've been at a loss for words lately, completely caught up in moments, thoughts, and happiness. Training for Mt. Washington has started and my plane ticket is booked, so no backing down now. Although, every time I watch a video of the race I start to think of the pain that I will feel climbing for 7.6 miles at an average grade of 11.5% and how my hip flexors will love me once I get to the top. So that's the next big race on the agenda. It scares me shitless and yet makes me smile too. I may be crawling but I am going to make it to the top, one shuffle at a time.

And The Yoga for Runners' Workshops are unfolding. Info will be posted on Facebook and our blog. Two workshops approaching, SF workshop June 12th 1-3 pm and Oakland workshop June 27th 1:30-3:30!

Alright more non-running thoughts to come when I am not caught up in smiling!

Skyline to Sea - Year Two of Ultra-ing

2010-04-19T15:11:00.000-07:00

Ok let's start with waking up at 4:30 am. Yucky. Although I do have to say, when it means a day of fun on the trails, just name a time and I'd be up. And that's crazy for me. I'm a 9 hour a night sleeper plus a napper in the afternoon when I can. Yes, I like to sleep. But, I think I like to run more. So up and at up on Sunday and down to the lovely Big Basin area.

It was awesome. Perfect day. Amazing people. Log jumping. Mud splashing. Sunshine. Redwoods galore. Ok so you probably want more details. So lets see. In the beginning of the race, Peter Duyan and I ran along, chit chatting. We came up behind a few guys and eventually passed by. Kevin Swisher was leading the train and told me to go get them. "Go get who, Leor?" I joked. In my dreams, I'd be that fast (Note to self: have more of those dreams). About an hour in, Peter told me he was feeling like shit and told me to keep doing my thing. There was another guy right behind me, but we only exchanged hellos and good jobs when he passed me after the mid-point at Gazo's Creek. I tried to keep him in eye site, but trails can make that a bit challenging.

I felt strong, smooth, and just plain happy. I managed to find every mud puddle that I possibly could. Even when I came through Gazo's Creek the second time someone noted that I was rather muddy. It was sunny, but those redwoods saved a few mud puddles for me, so I made a point of enjoying them. The last ten miles gave me plenty of more opportunities for log jumping. One tree even allowed me the opportunity to creatively hurl myself over it. Glad nobody saw that graceful move. Anyhow totally happy listening to my breath. Then I hit the dirt road, with a few miles left, no water left, and boom dehydrated, tired, and hot. If there is one thing I don't love running in, it is the heat. Just not my thing. But I sucked it up. I was grateful for the aide station that arrived with a mile to go. I took down a few cups of sports drink. And then I kept thinking sub 4 hours let's go! I rounded the corner and finished in 4:00:48. My 50k PR by 9 minutes and 17 minutes off my time from last year!

I spent the next few hours socializing with folks and enjoying the shade. Thanks PCTR, Sarah for all your positivity, and all the volunteers for creating a great day.

2010-04-17T18:11:00.000-07:00

It has been an eventful week, well nothing spectacular actually, but simple and good. Let's see what is top of the news... I birthed a child in my dream on Thursday night, even woke-up with a sore low back. I have lots of dreams about childbirth, but this was the first time I actually delivered. I was pregnant with twins a few weeks earlier, but I guess I just ended up with one boy this round. Ok enough with dreams. Other exciting news... I am f'n addicted to raw milk. I spent two days searching for it as the one store that normally carries it was out. Anyway long story short, I got to enjoy some today after they restocked it. Weird, I don't really love milk, but raw milk, whole other story. Ummm what else... I ran, yes I ran... crazy huh? In fact two speed workouts this week and a race tomorrow. That's right, I am trying to be more systematic about what I do instead of just heading out on a run without a direction in mind. As much as I love this non-technical training regime, I think some focus is good. Oh and my yoga practice, I'm all jazzed about that. Before my peroneal tendonitis bout I was kind of out of habit, now I am back in the habit, it's great. And, in a month or so, I'll be offering a yoga workshop for runners along with a wonderful gal, Kate (so if you're interested let me know. We'll be offering it in San Fran and Oakland. Details to come. Other tidbits from this week, I enjoy having a car now and an iPhone, but it stinks when you get lost in traffic and your phone dies. Then you have to drive all the way home because you can't figure out where in the hell you're going. I don't recommend it. Ahhh, but yoga and naps are good after moments like that followed by art making and chai. So I am going to try to stick to writing a bit more here and there even when my weeks are rather simple. Skyline to Sea 50K tomorrow... yay!

Salomon Advanced Week/Trail de Mirmande

2010-03-29T20:46:00.000-07:00

Ok so I am going to try and put my advetures to France-Italy-France-home in a nutshell. It started with a week in Bedoin France for Salomon advanced week. 30+ athletes gathered to test products, give feedback, and run the epic trails around and up Mt. Ventoux. It was awesome meeting other Salomon runners from all around the world, eating good cheese and bread, and doing what I love, run (even better with rocky, tough trails)! And super inspiring to be around talented people, not only athletes, but all the folks behind the products too. It is really rad that Salomon sent me to France. I also got to see an amazing podiatrist. He uncovered some postural issues that were impacting my tendon. With his insights, Salomon is working on making the princess a slipper that resolves the issue! Anyway as I said before and I'll say again, I am grateful to be able to do what I love! And I am super grateful that Salomon allowed me to have this opportunity. Here are a few other posts about advanced week:
Phil Villeneuve's Blog
Devon Crosby-Helms Blog
Adam Chase's Insider
And here are is my must have list... these products are killer (and I am not just saying that because they are my sponsor):
EXO II 3/4 Tight
Fast Wing Hoodie II
The Relax Shoe

Next, I was off via train to my sister who is currently living in Pallanza Italy. My parents were visiting as well, so we ventured to Lucca and Scarpon Itlay as well. I got to carbo and vino load. Oh and cafe and sweet load too. After week of falling in love with Italy, I was back on the train.

Next stop = Annecy France where I met Martin Gaffuri. We stayed a night in Annecy and the next morning we headed off to Mirmande to race. I was uncertain of the race throughout most my trip. I still had some lingering fear post injury. Jack and Daniel from the French New Balance team had invited me a few months before, so I decided to suck it up. It was time to get over the fear and get back to racing. And no better place to do that than on beautiful French, technical terrain. Martin and I got to stay in a cute little place in the village. The village was adorable, all stone, and quaint. Ok so I fell in love with France too!

Martin and I walked the village, pre-race pasta partied, and then we were off to sleep. Interestingly, the clocks changed that night, but we made a slight error. We woke-up, ate, got ready, and headed out the door for our warm-up to see no other runner's in sight. We were up an hour early (didn't think our cell phones had automatically changed time seeing that we got no signal). Oh well, we got to crawl back into bed for an hour and experience some deja vu! At 8:30ish the New Balance announced that I was there racing and then we were off at 9am. Up. Down. Single tracks. Mud. Branches. Rocks. Steep downhills. Narrow Paths. Blooming yellow flowers. Trees. Amazing volunteers. Apple blossoms. All of this made me incredibly happy. I just stayed comfy and did what I love, run! I constantly had to watch every step and it made me feel present, grateful, and excited! The course had everything I love about trail running. Before I knew it, I was cruising into the finish, smiling! I finished in 4:14 and happy. Happy to be back racing. Happy that I got to enjoy those beautiful trails. 6+ hour drive back to Paris and then 15+ hours on a plane back home. I am jet lagged and wide a wake, thus I am writing. But, glad to be back. Back home. Back racing. I had an awesome adventure. Thanks Salomon for an awesome week in Bedoin. Thanks family for an amazing time in Italy. Thanks New Balance for hosting me at the most beautiful race ever (seriously one of my favorite races for sure)! Thanks Martin for joining me in Mirmande! And thanks body for healing!

Ok and here is a short list of things from this trip:
- Nutella Gelato is essential for pre-race fuel
- French bread, french cheese... c'est bon!!!!
- I love how Italians and French say hello, much more fun than a handshake
- People are really cool.
- French is not the same as Italian, but for some reason I kept wanting to speak it in Italy...
- Only one way to get over fear, hop back on the horse again
- It's nice to share the calm before the storm
- Take the train if you're in Europe
- Smile
- Do what you love
- Spend time with family
- Take a yoga class in Italy
- Kids are great, I love my nephews
- Family is great, I love my family
- Friends are great, I love my friends
- I see why I love the French trail in Oakland (just picture it with more rocks, narrower, and leaf/brush covered!)
- I am incredibly grateful
- Yay to an amazing experience!!!!!!! Again thanks everyone!!!!

Learning to Rest...

2010-02-24T12:20:00.000-08:00

Boohiss. I hate rest. I hate not being able to do what I love. But, my body doesn't always care how my mind feels. I try to bribe it. I try to tell it I'll be good to it, but it knows better. My body is one smart cookie. Sometimes I need a lesson. I need to know that I am not capable of everything, that I am vulnerable, and human! So lets see... it all started after the Kaiser half marathon at the beginning of the month. Well, it probably started before that as I was doing lots of hard, long runs back to back. I felt good, so I just did what I tend to do, I went a bit crazy. A fast 18 mile, a track workout, running up Diablo, etc, etc. I noticed my left calf was one huge knot and instead of doing my typical yoga, swimming, and so forth, I decided the solution was run more, and more, and more. If this is you, STOP! Running does not make your calf more flexible as much as us runners like to think. Anyway so the week after the Kaiser half I am running a track workout and I notice a weird twinge on the outside of my left foot. But it goes away and the next morning I do a mellow 12 miler. Then Friday I wake-up going what the fuck! But my solution, run. Oh, but then I do stop as something was not right. I take Saturday off, no pain, so I try to run, nope pain is back. So I have stuck to swimming for the past 9 days. I have peroneal tendonitis. My recommendation for all of you, don't get it, it stinks! Anyhow I am trying to have a good attitude. I didn't take those 2 weeks I promised my body after North Face 50 miler, so I figure my body needs this rest so I can perform well again this year. Sometimes we learn the hard way. I trust my body will heal up when it's ready. Plus, it is giving me some more time to reevaluate this year. I most likely will be pulling out of Way too Cool 50k and build my training back up slowly. My main goals for this year: listen to my body, try for the mountain running team, qualify for olympic marathon trials, and of course, have fun!

Ummm...

2010-02-18T14:05:00.000-08:00

for those that know me, I can be kind of random especially when it comes to thoughts on life, advice, and so forth. I tend to collect what I've been told over the years and just mix it all together. Sometimes it makes sense, but most the time it doesn't although I can be rather convincing. So here are some random tips of advice (to be followed up by a soon to come video interview).

- Don't look at your watch, just run.
- Laugh
- Own a car, at least for grocery shopping
- Eat Eggs
- Dance, but if you don't know how, make sure you have a few drinks first
- Wear Smart Wool socks, they are f'n great!
- Eat Vitamin C with your iron intake
- Take apple cider vinegar before meals
- Lucky thongs are a must, but boy shorts are up there too
- Do backbends
- Laugh
- Eat meat
- Begin having conversations with your body. It might not listen, but it will humor others
- Be nice, not because you have to, but because being an ahole is so not attractive...
- Smile, but don't be phony about it because then you just look weird
- Don't run to escape, run to be present
- Rest (even though it sucks)... buy a TV, it makes it easier...
- Brush your teeth 'cause bad breath is so not attractive
- Drink coffee just because you like it... there are worse things in the world
- Drink beer just because you like it... there are worse things in the world
- Swim just 'cause it makes you feel out of shape even if you're in the best shape of your life
- Own a pair of crutches if you're a trail runner, chances are you'll need them
- Do headstands
- Do cartwheels
- Eat oranges
- Love your body
- Shoot guns, not people
- Buy an iPhone, it is the best boyfriend ever
- Be single at some point in your 20's, you'll learn a lot
- Own a pair of down booties, they are the best
- Go winter camping at some point just so you can appreciate warm Nalgene bottles at the bottom of your sleeping bag
- Realize when people say your snoring is "cute", they are in fact just being nice
- Sleep a lot, but wake-up early
- Complement people, but not just about their appearance
- Own microfleece sheets
- Hot tub
- Paint your toenails (even if you're a guy, it can be fun)
- Talk to strangers from time to time
- Be random and spontaneous from time to time
- Acupuncture is amazingly wonderful, try it!
- Try Trader Joes plantain chips occasionally, there pretty yummy
- Even take moderation in moderation (its ok to be extreme once an awhile)
- Buy a glittery limbo stick, you never know when you might need it
- Tap dance
- Speak in another language even if you don't know what your saying
- Be honest, but also don't share completely unnecessary things... really...
- Do things you love and try to love the things you do
- Pizza without cheese is so much better
- Don't own an umbrella... completely unnecessary... a rain jacket is ok
- Be consistent
- Make snow angels
- Own a lot of hoodies, they are the best piece of clothing ever (ok, along with socks and undies)
- Try to get the unstoppable giggles at least once a week... it's good for your health
- Don't worry about tomorrow or bills, they'll show up, today is what disappears
- If someone pisses you off, tell them
- If someone is awesome, tell them
- Cook for yourself and for others
- Eat with chop sticks sometimes
- Dry your laundry on a line, it saves energy and it's just fun
- Eat pickles and sauerkraut
- Be flexible, both mentally and physically

I am sure I'll have much more, but I don't want to put you all to sleep either...

2010-01-02T20:10:00.000-08:00

When we were kids most our fears were a bit ridiculous. There was nobody under my bed, nothing dangerous happened when I flushed the toilet, and my dolls never did come alive (a big fear after accidentally watching Chucky. My brother left in the VCR and my mischievous self found it.) Then we hit adolescence. We freak out about boys (or girls, depending on whose reading). We freak out about the most materialistic things. We typically can't stand our parents, we're worried about trends, being liked, being disliked, a zit, and we think we know it all. Then we grow-up (or at least a little bit, again depends on whose reading). Maybe we have some real fears like death, love, figuring ourselves out...

But then again, maybe they are just as ridiculous. In 2007, I decided to face some of my fears. I started swimming and rock climbing. See I tend to like to be grounded, on my feet, but it was time to change things up. I did a couple races to get over the anxiety of racing and continued doing that in 2008 and obviously 2009. Sure I still have other fears like loosing people I love, etc. But I think most our fears isolate us, prevent us from living our life. They keep us from doing things that are pretty spectacular and pretty average all at the same time.

When I was in New York a couple weeks ago, my almost two year old nephew (the one I had the joy of bringing into the world) was having a horrible time sleeping at night. He was scared, crying whenever he woke-up. He couldn't vocalize what he needed, but just having another person in the room put him back to sleep. It was about the most adorable thing when my dad went upstairs, laid next to him, and just rested his hand in his crib. Maybe that is all we need, someone to be with us when we're scared.

I am not sure where I was going with this... just another one of my rambling blogs. I am sure I'll have much more to say in 2010, wow 2010! Here is to enjoying life fearlessly!

North Face Endurance Challenge 50 miler

2009-12-06T10:47:00.000-08:00

It started to sink in after Germany that I had one race left for 2009, my first 50 miler. I felt both unprepared and over raced walking into Miwok 100k back in May. I was glad things were slowing down in the end of the year and that my races were not every other week, but more like once a month. I also made a very conscious effort in the past month to rest and to take care of my body especially as I had bouts of burn out. As December 5th approached, I felt incredibly grateful that my body felt good and that I felt strong and confident.

When I showed up to the start yesterday, I was ready. Then I heard both Kami Semick and Lizzy Hawker were out due to injuries. Part of me was disappointed not to have them as well as Susannah Beck and Chris Lundy there (also out due to injury). But when a race falls so late in a season I assume it is bound to happen. When the race started I just stayed smooth and relaxed, realizing I could run my race. I didn't have to chase or prove anything. I could enjoy the fact that I was healthy and be grateful that my body could carry me those 50 miles.

Joelle Vaught and I stayed close in the first 9 miles and we got to spend some time chatting on the way up Bobcat. Then it was Sean Meissner and I chatting (or maybe just breathing and running) as we headed up to Pantoll. I looked at my watch and I was in disbelief I was rolling into Pantoll at 2:32 as I had estimated a 2:40 arrival. I felt good and relaxed, so just went with it. The next section was challenging, not physically so much, but mentally. Even though there were people close by including Joelle, we were somehow spread out just enough that it made me feel alone. On the out and back on Coastal it was great seeing the lead guys cruising back in. I started looking forward to being back at Pantoll, seeing my crew, and meeting my pacer, Peter. That is when Jesus Campos who had been right with me a good majority of the race reassured me to keep it up. I took over the pace and lead us into Pantoll. I arrived somewhere before 4:30 and Peter and I took off down Bootjack. I still felt good, but happy to have company.

As Peter and I came close to the Tourist Club, I met the guy that does Journeyfilm. He had met my brother at the Banff film festival where my proud brother told him to get some clips of me running. That made me smile and then we were off towards the Dipsea trail. As we approached Muir Beach I started to crave more downhill and flat, but of course that meant climbing. We did some fast hiking and Peter was great at keeping me relaxed and confident. My stomach wasn't so happy coming into Tennessee Valley, but at that point I had to say fuck it, only 6 miles to go. I was so happy to have that downhill after Marincello and looking forward to finishing! I finished first women in 7:38 and overall felt good. Joelle came in 2nd in 7:53.

I am incredibly grateful, for my crew, for the amazing people and support in my life, for running strong and smooth, for trusting myself and my abilities(although this is constantly getting tweaked), and for the most incredible year. I never expected to have done what I did this year, but I did and that makes me smile.

As hard as it will be, I've committed to taking 2 weeks off, so that my body can rest up from 2009. In this time I hope to figure 2010... any suggestions for particular races are welcome. I'll be sticking to 50 miles and less.

Trailrun WorldMasters - Dortmund Germany

2009-11-08T13:43:00.000-08:00

I meant to update my blog before the race was over, but so it goes. I arrived at the Frankfurt airport to meet Mike Smith (male overall winner from Transrockies), his girlfriend Leea, and David (Gore marketer) who was kind enough to drive us to Dortmund (2hrs north). Everyone passed out in the car while with the exception of David. We spent the day resting and in the evening met a few folks from Plan B, the organization that was putting on the event. The next day, I slept and then Mike and I got to go interview with the local newspaper and pick up our race stuff.

On November 6th, we had our first race of three, a 5.1k. I was so nervous for this race (super crazy anxiety dream the night before, that’s how nervous I was), especially as they had me starting #5, right behind Mike (a 2:19 marathoner!). Anyhow I rolled with it, but 20:12 was the best I could manage, which put me in fourth place. The course was a bit like running through a construction site and my descriptions really won’t give it justice. There was a rope for the first steep, short climb a couple minutes into the race. We had a pasta party that followed and again sleep was on the agenda. At 2 am, my body decided sleep was not on the agenda and I spent 3 hours wide-awake. I tried not to stress and just knew it was my body trying to adjust to the time change.

Day two, November 7th, a 35.2k on slightly muddy, leaf covered trails… yay! Before the race, I was told my picture had appeared in the German newspaper. Sure enough there was me at the start of the 5k. Ok so back to the race, I was eager to run a distance I preferred. The 5k was way too short and it seemed to just irritate my left quad and leave me wanting to run more. I ran the 35k somewhat comfortably and tried to just smile, enjoy my surrounding, and take in the fact that I was in Germany!!! I finished in 2:38, which moved me up to second place. Unfortunately, my quad grew a bit unhappier with the running, but sometimes this is how it goes. The evening involved another pasta party, good German beer, which followed with another random wake-up call at 2 am and a few hours of lying awake. This time I was more aware of my quad in those morning hours, but I just tried to think positively.

Day three, November 8th, I woke-up a bit worried, but just reminded myself it was the last day and that it was only a 20.5k. I knew my body would hold up if I could stay relaxed and breathe. Unfortunately, my typical jumping at the start line didn’t prove possible, but my smile was still there. My left leg did hold up and I finished in 1:30, which kept me with an overall second place finish. I finished behind Luminita Zaituc. She is an inspiration. I hope to be out running marathons and trails as quickly as her someday (fingers crossed).

I am writing this from a hotel in Frankfurt. I fly back to the US tomorrow. Time has gone by way too fast. It was such a great opportunity to come here and take part in this event (thanks to Bernard for putting out the invite). Thanks to everyone that helped in the event and took part as well. People were so kind and I apologize for knowing zero German. Next time I come back, I’ll at least have the basics! Danke!

(Me with 1st place, Luminita_Zaituc and 3rd Silvia Balbach)

(Me with the French boys, Martin and Ed, and Mike, who ended up winning!!! Whoohooo!!!)

(Me and Stephan aka Gripmaster)

Germany

2009-11-01T12:46:00.000-08:00

So first things first, those who were seeking more information on Germany can find an english version here. Here is what I know, I will be flying from SFO to Frankfurt on November 3rd. I'll be picked up from the airport and taken to Dortmund where I'll take part in a three day staged race. On November 6th, I will do my shortest race since high school, less than a 5k! Day 2, I've got 35k and climbing (ummm, yes I do think this will be my favorite day... yup pretty sure in fact). And day 3, a 20k followed by some good German beer, I assume.

Surprise, surprise, I am nervous, anxious, looking forward to enjoying what I love to do in a new place. I really have no clue what to expect. I don't really know many folks that will be there. Luminita Zaituc will be racing. And two people from Transrockies will be there as well. Either way an experience. Bring on the adventure, 11 hour flight, and my favorite, running!

SF Nike Women's Marathon

2009-10-19T13:40:00.000-07:00

(Photos courtesy of SF Gate)

Did yesterday really happen? Here is my recollection. Waking up, eating, putting on my gear (and yes I wore a pair of my trail shoes, La Sportiva Skylites). Next I arrived at the start, nervous, excited, typical prior race feelings. Then we started running. I kept a fast, but comfortable pace. When I arrived at mile one in 6 minutes I realized I needed to settle in a bit more. There I was leading the race, the pace car in front of me, motorcycles by my side, and the nicest woman ever biking near by. She kept being blown away by my climbing. Hills yes SF has them, but they are not like running up a mountain. And I explained that I loved to run up mountains. Before I knew it I was at mile 10. I was in disbelief that I was still leading. A couple 1/2 marathoners cruised past and I was sad when they turned off to finish. Where was everyone else I thought? I came through the half way mark on target for a 2:51. I just kept breathing and enjoyed the encouragement from people I knew, people I didn't know, and seeing all the other women out there running, smiling, and achieving their goals. As I came into mile 17 I saw Rick Gaston. I was so excited to see a fellow trail runner and grabbing a water at the same time turned into a bad mix. I fell. All these times running on trails with roots and rocks and I fall running on a road, go figure. I jumped back up and started running, everyone cheered. It took a bit to get back into a groove, but I did. I slowed down a bit in those last 8/9 miles, but just tried to stay consistent. My legs are not trained for the faster leg turnover and I think they were a bit confused. At around mile 20, I started to realize I might win. Honestly I got a bit freaked out, but once again I just settled in and enjoyed calculating my finish time in my head. I knew if I just stayed at my current pace I would run under 3 hours. Before I knew it there was mile 25 and I thought holy shit this is really happening. I am really going to finish first and all those people are going crazy for me. Part of me wanted to cry, smile, and laugh all at the same time. I crossed through the banner in 2:58 and I was greeted by Joan Benoit Samuelson ,Kara Goucher, and a crew of paparazzi. I got my knees cleaned up and then got to spend time with a few other top finishers. Everyone was so nice and down to earth, got to love that! I got to celebrate in the afternoon with friends. I have to say it was a good day. Every time I run I am blown away by how much I love it. By how much potential there is in all of us. By the strength of consistency, trust, and acceptance. And thanks everyone for the super kind words and enthusiasm!!!! Hope all the other women felt that out there yesterday too!

SFGate
In Entertainment
Examiner

Blahs...

2009-10-15T12:32:00.000-07:00

I hate the blahs. I've grown to learn they have a way of appearing prior to a race. All I want to do in the week leading up to a race is eat and sleep, sometimes cry. On my runs I typically feel slow as hell. Overall I tend to feel like a lazy slob and worry about being out of shape for the race. But I've also learned that this is how my body prepares, so that race day I am rested, fueled, and energetic. It still sucks getting the blahs. At least it is temporary. Tomorrows race should prove to be the cure.

Yesterday I realized that I needed to fucking knock off the blahs. Saw the chiropractor in the am, did some pilates, yoga, got a massage, went to the city, picked up my race stuff, met Kara Goucher rather randomly, watched a play, and woke-up in a much better mood. Today I decided with my bit of anxiety that I would take a yoga class. It was the best thing ever, not because of the physical aspect, but because it made me mentally relax. The teacher started talking about the drive to be perfect, our human desire to achieve a goal, to achieve the spectacular, but maybe spectacular is simpler. Maybe spectacular is tying our shoelaces, laughing, smiling. Maybe it is seeing how we are already perfect. Seeing that no matter how many races we run, how fast we run them that it is the challenges during the race that make us the strongest. That it is the experience that makes us alive. That no matter what we know, we can always know a moment when we sink into it, except it, and nourish it. I am not saying goals aren't good, that becoming better isn't good. But there will always be goals, we can always be better, and we shouldn't wait to get somewhere, we should experience every step of our lives. Ultimately we should strive for experiences that allow us to be better people and the finish line will come, and then there will be another, and another, and another... (you get the drift). So where am I going with all this, who knows, maybe just rambling.

I know that I will cross a finish line tomorrow. My goal = to experience every single moment until I get there. In what time, who knows, in what place, who knows. When I get there I will not judge, not be a self-critic, but instead embrace the fact that there will be several other finish lines, many more goals, and in the end accomplishments do not create a better life. Embracing who I am, becoming a better person in every moment, loving people, and experiencing every second even when there are blahs, that creates a better life. And ultimately not trying to be anywhere else than where I am at this very moment. So I guess I am sharing this because people have asked me about my training, what I do, etc. At some point I will put out a sample of a week, but really the one thing I have done consistently for every race this year, I have not set expectations. I just go get lost in the moment. I fall in love with hearing my breath, feeling my heart beating, and enjoying different experiences. More to come...

Road vs Trail

2009-10-06T17:04:00.000-07:00

I know I've been away from writing for a bit. I've been enjoying day to day, people, births (yes two lovely babies were born in September), and running. My runs typically begin with a 4 mile uphill run on the paved roads in order to arrive where my heart thrives, the trails. I find the transition of the roads and trails vastly interesting. I feel a need to run faster on the roads. I dislike the cars and the visibility. When I am on the trails I don't feel like I am being watched, I am lost in the trees, watching for roots, and more internal with my breathing and my body. When I return back on the roads, I carry that love on the road and typically forget what is underneath my feet. Dirt, pavement, yes there is a difference, but I can still do what I love, run!

On June 22, 2002 at the age of 21, I ran my first marathon, the Grandma's Marathon in Duluth, MN. I trained myself and I had no particular idea of what time I would run. Ideally around 4 hours. To my suprise I finished in 3:19:49, which qualified me for Boston. So I ran my second marathon in 2003. I didn't think much about road racing and then something in the past few months made me rethink. I've grown curious about returning to the road and seeing what has changed in the past 6 years. On October 18, I'll get the opportunity as I will be racing in the San Francisco Nike Women's Marathon. I am nervous, but then again I am always nervous... that is what racing does to me, but luckily I've gotten a bit used to it. I am looking forward to it and if it goes well I will try for the Olympic marathon trails in 2010 (or I will get my ass into better shape, so I can attempt!). Then again I wonder if I will be completely humbled by the road. Writing that just made me smile. I've got nothing to loose when I do the one thing I know and love and humbling moments are welcomed.

2009-09-11T11:51:00.000-07:00

Redwood 50k

2009-09-07T10:30:00.000-07:00

I am feeling sentimental. Maybe that is what happens when you spend 10 days in Colorado, away from routine, and surrounded with new people or just people in a new environment and then return to Oakland, routine, and the life I've made for myself. This year has been a year of change. It has been a year of acceptence. A year of unexpected outcomes. A year to let go and get lost in my passions. I never expected to be where I am at, but in the end who ever expects to be where they are at? Sometimes things have a funny way of appearing, becoming, and blossoming into your life.

On another note, I ran Redwood 50k on Saturaday. My leggies were feeling good after Transrockies and I hadn't run a 50k since Ohlone (end of May) so I thought what the fuck. It was rather mellow, I just went out with the whole purpose of enjoying myself. Time seemed to go by so fast and before I knew it I was rolling into the finish, first woman in 4:11:52 right behind first place overall Nathan Yanko who ran 4:09:58. Legs were feeling a bit tight and a long nap was in order after a bit of mingling. I was really happy to be on those trails, in my backyard, seeing Sarah and Wendell and other familar faces. And just happy to do what I love, run, and to be where I am at this year... socially, emotionally, physically, and spiritually. Damn, what a year and I still have four more months 'till 2010! I plan to race in Germany in November and then I will focus on the North Face 50.

I just keep thinking of my sixth grade track coach who thought I was a distance runner. I really wish I could get ahold of him and tell him about this year. Overall I am so grateful for the encouragement I've gotten from folks over the years and the experiences I've had with people. I never thought I would be where I am, but so grateful that I am and look forward to where things carry me. It is amazing where the heart takes you.

Post Transrockies

2009-08-30T07:35:00.000-07:00

You can also view this report on La Sportiva's website. And Devon's report can be found on her blog. What an f'n blast!!!

I arrived in Colorado on Friday and headed down to Buena Vista on Saturday. As Devon Crosby-Helms and I received our swag (or the beginning of it) and pick up our race numbers, we got frequent questions about whether we would give Kami Semick and Nikki Kimball a challenge. We explained we were there to run, challenge ourselves, and ultimately have fun. Both Devon and I knew we could not control how other teams ran, all we could do was run our best and keep ourselves together as a team. In the weeks leading up to Transrockies Devon and I had made it clear that we needed to communicate during each of the stages as well as not take things personally while we were racing. This was key to our overall experience and continued friendship.

Day One:

It was f’n hot. 20.4 miles through sand and sunshine. I was so eager and excited to run. Devon had to remind me to chill out as I kept wanting to go into a full on sprint. This is what happens when I take three days off leading up to a race. It is also what happens when I am excited that the altitude has not affected me! Anyway, I pull Devon along even through her asthma attack a few miles from the finish. We finish first in the open women’s category and reward ourselves with a dip in the river.

Day Two:

I am about to do my favorite thing ever, run hills. 10.1 miles and we are going up Hope Pass, a significant climb. Devon and I’s strengths and weaknesses start to appear. I want to run the climb, but we walk the majority. I stay patient, but some of my frustration appears. When we arrive at the top, Devon kicks in and her killer down hill allows us to catch back up to Kami and Nikki who had passed us on the accent. We finish about 30 seconds behind them. Then we went to hang out in Leadville, spending the majority of our day chilling at the local coffee shop and chatting amongst other runners.

Day Three:

24.2 miles from Leadville to Camp Hale. Devon and I had our first full on argument. I was frustrated that I could not run faster, she was frustrated that I would not chill out. We made up and then Devon took a bad fall where her knee had a make-out session with a rock. I wanted to nurture her but instead I yelled at her to get up and keep going. With tears she hobbled along and 4 teams passed by. I continued to tell her to keep moving. Pissed Devon took over for the last 7 or so miles and she pushed me to the finish. With a mile or so to go, we came by Nikki and Kami who had passed us right after Devon’s fall. We finished just over a minute ahead.

Day Four:

By far my favorite run, I was completely blissed out, not only was the scenery beautiful, but we had great company for the majority of the run. It was on the decent that Devon, Kami, Nikki, and I got into a grove, keeping a pretty similar pace. There I was running down a creek chatting it up with runners who inspire me. We all decided that we would finish together that day and even enjoyed a neutral pee. Of course my natural instinct to haul at the finish was restrained a bit and we played on that humor. As we approached the finish, Nikki and Kami grabbed hold of my pack straps and Devon held on to my braid. I had a smile and pretended that I was toeing them all across the line. All four of us went to the creek and continued to enjoy each others company.

Day Five:

23.4 miles and yes more climbing on the agenda. Devon began crying within the first minute of the race, her knee hurt. I did not nurture or focus on it instead just encouraged her to keep going. It was hard not comforting her, but I wanted her to persevere. But, it was back to arguing. I wanted to run up the hills faster, but Devon was having a challenging time. I didn’t want us to loose the lead that we had gained. I also realized I was not the only one in control, we were a team. I tried toeing Devon, lets just say a rain jacket didn’t do the trick. Oh and the differences in height 5′3″ versus 6′ were not favorable either (although I think it made us look like one badass team). When we arrived to the first decent Devon began hauling. I had to yell at her to wait for me. When we reunited, we made up and we spent the last 9.5 miles/ hour and six minutes kicking some butt on the downhill and cruising into a strong finish. Devon thanks for that strong finish and holding my hand across the line. I am pretty sure those were the fastest 10 miles of my life.

Day Six:

21.4 miles to the final finish. We started strong, but I felt unmotivated to encourage. And quite honestly would have enjoyed sleeping in my sleeping bag longer or enjoying another cup of coffee or a beer, maybe multiple beers. Of course I did not let on to this and kept encouraging Devon on the climbs. I was super proud of her for pushing up those hills (I enjoyed the few grunts D ) as well as for putting up with my constant harrassment to “come on.” I knew Kami and Nikki were far ahead and in those last few miles I didn’t care if we won or not. I was just glad we had stayed friends. Trust me when I say several runners were bickering and no longer talking with one another. I felt like I knew Devon even better, new myself better, and had a completely new outlook on running and one of the strongest friendships in my life. When we crossed the finish Devon turned to me and said, “I am sorry.” I responded, “it’s ok.” And then, we found out we had won and the next second we were jumping up and down, exploding chamange on one another, and high off of a overwhelming and exciting week.

The End:

Finishing 113 miles over six days concluding with a handful of beers (ok and some tequila shots and drinking games) and good lively conversation amongst runners, volunteers, and sponsors. Decompression after days of running and seriousness only seemed appropriate to involve drunken runners enjoying each others company. Not only had I bonded with Devon, but I got to meet and engage with several other amazing people. It was quite a week and one that I will continue to reflect on for quite some time.

Gearing up for Transrockies

2009-08-15T17:18:00.000-07:00

The weekend after I completed Miwok Devon Crosby-Helms and I went on our first training run together. We did a section of the Ohlone course with a couple other runners. As we were out killing ourselves on the hills, Devon asked if I had heard of Transrockies. I hadn’t, but she gave me the basics and asked if I’d be interested in running it. That night, I went straight to the computer to find out more. As soon as I read about it, I wrote her saying heck yeah, lets do it! Rather quickly the two of us were committed to the race and eager to run as partners.

It is hard for me to believe Transrockies is only a week away. This whole year has been quite a whirlwind for me. I am in pure disbelief about my year so far and grateful that I love racing up mountains; it makes me incredibly happy. And, having 6 days of it in Colorado is going to bring tons of joy even if it means battling the altitude. Yes, the altitude is a factor, but I’ve learned all you can do is breathe and keep putting one foot in front of the other. Oh, and smile from time to time too! After my double whammy last weekend, I am confident about my body’s ability to recover and race multiple days. And, the fact that I pulled that off without much rest and sitting in a car for a long f’n time is pretty crazy in itself. I am looking forward to relaxing after each stage, rather than hoping in a car for several hours. I am also looking forward to the fact that I will be meeting several other runners both out on the mountains and at the campsites!

Honestly the most exciting part of my year has been the social aspect of running. I have met so many amazing people and I look forward to meeting even more folks at Transrockies. The community is incredible and it has made me even more outgoing in other aspects of my life. I used to show up, race, and leave. Now I show up, race, and spend a lot of time just chatting and socializing. Being my typical self, I’ve already started laying out what I’ll be bringing on my adventure (surely suggests that I am one excited runner). I will be all packed up and flying out Friday afternoon. Looking forward to spending 6 days running with Devon, exploring more of Colorado, napping, icing, smiling, and getting to do one thing that I love like crazy, run! I am going to go out there and trust my passion, my lungs, and legs and just have an f’n blast. More to come post Transrockies!

Double Whammy

2009-08-11T15:58:00.000-07:00

My adventure filled weekend began with meeting Jason Bryant at the Salt Lake City airport. We headed off to Park City where we camped out, unfortunately to discover that we had put the tent directly on a sprinkler. Oh well it just added to the adventure and we found a better place where the sprinkler just skimmed the tent rather than drenching it completely. In the morning we crossed paths with Bernie Boettcher at the gas station and Megan Kimmel at Starbucks. Then we were off to the start. I met a few other La Sportiva athletes at the start including Brad Mitchell and Luke Nelson. I also saw Rachel Cieslewicz who ran both Diablo and Barr Trail as well. Super sweet person and glad to see her at Jupiter too! I have to admit I was nervous, the altitude had kicked my butt in Colorado and I just kept my fingers crossed that I could kick its butt back.

The race started and I felt pretty good other than I couldn't convinence my legs that they could go faster. At that moment I thought that maybe I left my fast legs back in California, but tried to stay positive and just enjoy myself. It was a beautiful course and a perfect tempature. The summit was awesome, the best fucking part by far! I literally was crawling and placing my hands out in front of me from time to time, so I would not slide all the way down. Steepest summit that I've ever had in a race and it made me smile. As I headed back down, the altitude started kicking my butt. I got the lovely starry/blurred vision and dizziness. I almost felt like I had just drunk a couple beers. I just kept breathing and putting one foot in front of the other hoping I wouldn't pass out on the trail. I made it to the finish and eventually I started to feel more normal. I finished second woman in 2:15:21 behind the super fast Megan Kimmel who ran a 2:12:30. I am seriously considering training with her at altitude and trying to get a spot on the US Mountain running team next year... will see!

So after the La Sportiva crew did a cool down and chatted for a bit, Jason and I hit the road for Bend, Oregon. Around 11 hours later we arrived in Bend where Tonya was kind enough to house us. I slept really well and awoke the next morning without much stiffness in my legs and believe it or not, I was excited to race again. After a cup of coffee (thanks Tonya, you rocked!), we headed to the start where we met up with Bernie Boettcher again and Tom Borschel. When the race started, I felt incredible and fast. I could fucking breath, I guess I didn't forget to pack my fast legs afterall. I hung right with Jason for the first few miles and almost wanted to make a joke about how easy it was to breath. In fact, I couldn't hear myself breathing at all. I had a blast on the trails and I was super happy that my legs felt good on their second day of racing. I ended up winning and placing tenth overall. I ran a 1:30:02, Bernie ran a 1:25:55, Jason ran a 1:27:11, and Tom ran a 1:32:45.

So after the race, Jason, Bernie, Tom, and I hopped in the frickin' cold river. Seriously, I could not feel my toes, it was that cold. After freezing my butt off, Jason and I hopped back in a car again. My hamstrings were not so pleased with this, but sometimes that is how adventures go. We drove to Boise, Idaho where we stayed with his wife's aunt. Then on Monday morning, we finished our drive back to Salt Lake. I hopped on my flight and flew home happy. Really glad to have met and talked with more La Sportiva folks. Some of the nicest people I've met. And, two days of racing and feeling good, I am ready for Transrockies!!!

Squaw Valley Mountain Run

2009-08-02T14:32:00.000-07:00

On Wednesday, I was chatting with Will and I was a tad bit on the negative side. I don't remember my exact words, but basically I was like fuck it, I am not going to even race any more. But, in my head I was thinking, I really want to fucking run and I want this irritating injury to leave. Anyway I calmed down and basically came to the conclusion that my butt was going to feel better in the morning and I was going to run Squaw on Saturday. Luckily when I woke-up Thursday that was the case. After the whole yoga bullshit, I had to run and I ran fast without pain. I was confident that I was getting past the injury, but of course there was an element of fear. On Friday, I was aware that my butt was a bit annoyed, but not like it had been. So, I woke-up at 3:30 am and Will and I headed off to Tahoe by 4 am. I conked out quickly in the car and around 6 am woke-up to get some caffeine and eat a little. I was nervous. Not only cause my ass, but because I hadn't raced 3.6 miles since high school.

For the first time in my life, I warmed-up for more than 10 minutes. I felt great. I was eager to run and excited that my body was there to support my love of running too. As I jogged/walked around for close to 30 minutes, I felt the same heart pounding that I felt at Barr, but I didn't care 'cause I could run! When we started, I just did what I love to do, climb hills! I kept a consistent pace and decided to just stay close to Mark Lantz. My breathing was a bit heavy, but I just breathed a lot just like Buzz had suggested. I felt strong, confident, and happy. About 2 miles up the climb, I looked back and there were no women in sight. I saw Will climbing, which was a relief too as I wasn't sure how he was fairing with his injury. I just settled in and smiled the rest of the way up. I can run is all I kept thinking and I was one happy camper.

I didn't want to stop running, fuck 3.6 miles is a warm-up, so a few of us, including La Sportiva athlete Jason Bryant jogged a little more. Of course I still wanted to run, but instead opted for a free beer, presence at the awards ceremony, and then a cool down back down to the base of Squaw. Then we headed back to the bay.

So two bowls of cereal and 16 miles later this morning, I am feeling pretty damn good. Glad to be back! Looks like this weekend might be a bit crazy. I talked to Jason at Squaw and he mentioned he would be running both Jupiter Peak and Haulin' Aspen Half. Looks like I'll be joining in that venture, which means I'll fly to Utah on Friday, race 16 on Saturday, drive with him to Oregon, race 13 on Sunday, drive back to Utah, and fly back to the bay Monday... yikes! But, my thoughts, good training for Transrockies, which is quickly approaching... yay! Did I mention I love to run?

Oh, and results from Squaw are here!
Sierra Sun Report
irunfar post

Changes

2009-07-30T20:51:00.000-07:00

It is crazy how quickly things can change. Let me start with the good, I am feeling physically way better. I was able to run today and I have absolutely no pain when walking, getting out of bed, sneezing, etc. There is still a little bit of glute tenderness when running every now and again, mainly just some small residue, but it is for sure on its way out. My plan is to see how I feel tomorrow, but most likely, I'll be heading up to Squaw to race 3.6 miles uphill. The shortest race I've done since high school, should be interesting!

Ok on the not so great side, I went to teach yoga today and afterwards I talked with Alice, the owner of Loka Yoga. I had some doubts about writing anything in my blog. But, I think it is fair to share why I am no longer teaching there as well as express some frustration. Her main point was that she thinks I am spreading myself too thin. I can see how an outsider may see that especially with all my interests, but I live a really balanced life, one that I am really proud of in fact. Her feelings were that if I have different focuses that I will never be great at any particular thing. Again, I disagree. When I was a senior in high school I thought I wanted to be a writer. My creative writing teacher said it is better to study other things because experience is what makes a great writer, not studying writing. Of course it is a balance, but I believe everything I do enhances everything. They make me whole, well rounded, and not on a path of single mindedness. So, it was rather upsetting to have her project this on me when she has not even talked to me about my life in months. But moving on, the next projection was brief and more of an insinuation, she basically claimed that I am not a spiritual yoga instructor and that I come from a more physical aspect. Most folks come to yoga initially for the physical aspect and than eventually it can become spiritual. I by no means dump spirituality on to people nor do I teach power chatarangas or sit-ups. I try to connect people with their breath and body because this relationship is ultimately spiritual and deeper than anything I can say or project. Again upsetting when she has not observed my class in over a year. And lastly, her feelings were that she wanted teachers whose vocation is to teach yoga and yoga only. No argument there, I have too many other things that inspire me and honestly yoga alone could not sustain me. So, maybe that was her main point. Anyway I left the yoga studio in tears, handed off my key, and basically don't want to step foot into that place again. Maybe that is because I am upset right now, but maybe not.

In tears and after several conversations with friends, I spent some time thinking. I don't think it is healthy to put all our energy into one thing. One thing whether it be running, work, family, etc will never sustain our lives. And maybe for some people, one thing is good, and then again maybe not. I know I have several interests and I know they will always be in flux. Life is always changing, our bodies are always moving, our minds are always discovering, which is beautiful. That being said, I do strive to do my best and give my heart to the things in my life. Looks like I'll be giving it in other avenues and places, which is beautiful as well. And, I know I am upset right now, but I think yoga (the physical kind) is what triggered the glute shit to begin with. The good news is I have 5 extra hours in my week. Looks like I can take more photos, run, write, and look for some place to teach where I can just be me even with all my interests.

2009-07-29T07:38:00.000-07:00

Lets face it, as runners, we put our bodies through a crazy amount of stress. And, I don't know about anyone else, but rest is one of the most difficult things for me to do. If I am not running, I am swimming, practicing yoga or pilates, and/or commuting by bike or foot. I move because I love it. So I get my fun little injury, my pain in the arse. I take 5 days off (from running) and see a chiropractic for the first time (by the way, I highly recommend Scott Snow... he specifically works with athletes and he's a yoga instructor as well). He confirms what the massage therapist said, my left leg is an over worker and there were some things I already knew, my pelvis is rotated, and my shoulders are too f'n tight. After 2 visits to him, I felt like a whole new person and the pain decreased dramatically. And then I was back running, super easy and mellow well at least for two days. Then when Sunday rolled around and Tony invited me on a run in the headlands, I couldn't resist. Two hours and 45 minutes later, I felt the lovely pain in my ass again, not that I never really felt it, but it became manageable. Monday I mellow out and yesterday I rest. I went back to see the chiro as well as a new massage therapist who rocked. It is clear that the pain in my ass is an inflamed/strained gluteus medius/minimus. The best thing I can do is probably rest completely, but that is a challenge when I get around by bike and foot. I am going to do my best and I am so glad that I am noticing improvement. As much as I dislike having to rest, it is good for me. Good to remember that our bodies need time to heal and get stronger. It has also brought a whole new appreciation to balance, both literally within the muscles of my body and also within my entire life. Running is not the only thing I love and it is not what defines me. Don't get me wrong, it is a huge passion, but it is important to realize the other pieces of my life that inspire and challenge me and also know that they may always be in flux and changing (by the way, thanks Devon for our conversation over lunch and your added insight and my mom for reminding me that nothing stays the same). On a completely different note, I got a lovely package of juice from POM that shit is good. I can't wait to try it out pre/post running when I am back at full force. Oh, I forgot to mention, the worse part of a glute strain, sneezing.... I kid you not, that and rolling out of bed in the morning, killers! Later peps... enjoy yourselves!

Sometimes...

2009-07-19T13:59:00.000-07:00

... I realize I am a complete nut case. So I come back from Colorado on Monday. I have Tuesday off until 7:30 pm, so I go a bit crazy. I do a nice 18 mile run, swim for an hour and 20 minutes, eat, take a nap, ride 5 miles down to the yoga studio, take a yoga class, teach a yoga class, and then ride 5 miles home. The next day I wake-up and my arse hurts fucking bad. I still run, really short though, like seriously 4 miles and slow, but I still swim. Come Thursday my ass is getting a bit worse, I swim, but don't run (well I tried to run, but knew it was a bad idea and stopped). Friday rolls around and it hurts to even kick in the water, so I cut swimming short. So you'd think I'd figure out by now that running a 50k Saturday is out the picture. Nope. I guess I have just been able to run through things before and wondered if this was just one of those things. I discovered it was not. I ran a 20k and opted for a massage instead of more running. One of the smartest things I've done all year. Well I guess not even attempting it would have been smarter. But my love of running makes me not think straight sometimes.

Ok, so I go get my massage and get this, the massage therapist explains that my left calf is bigger than my right and that the calluses on my left big toe show that I am pushing off with my left foot, but not my right when I stride. She tells me instead of propelling forward with my right foot I am falling slightly back on it and using my hip/arse to support me. Oh, and remember when my foot was bothering me a few months back... it was my right toe. Oh, and the ankle that I twisted 3 weeks ago, my right. So it all makes sense, if my foot or ankle is hurting, how can I roll through my foot and propel forward? So you know what I am doing, taking some time off running. Going to let my body heal up and when I came back, I am going to focus on using my right foot. No more lazy right foot.

Anyway so after my massage, I go grab some beers with my buddy, Ricardo, and that seemed to solve my arse pain for a little bit. He of course knows me too well and asks if I am really going to take time off. This time I told him that I seriously would. In fact, I took a few races off my schedule too. When I was in Colorado, I realized that toning my racing down would be smart. I run because I love it. I loved it before I was racing and now realize that if I push myself too much I won't be able to do what I enjoy. But it is a hard thing finding that balance sometimes. By the way, thanks Mark Tanaka for reminding me I didn't have anything to prove yesterday and Suz for recommending a alcoholic beverage. Here is to resting my arse and learning to not always be a complete running addict (or a nut case for that matter).

Disappointment

2009-07-12T18:28:00.000-07:00

My week in Colorado has been amazing with the exception of my race today, but I'll go back to that later. I have gotten to meet so many people during my time here. Susan Nuzam and Bronwyn Morrissey were kind enough to let me stay at their places and include me in activities. Buzz Burrell took me yoga-ing and on a great hike up to Longs Peak, I got to run with Bryon Powell, met a handful of Colorado runners including George Zack, and not to mention, I got to meet a ton of other fellow La Sportiva folks at the Barr Trail. I spent a ton of time practicing yoga, going on short runs, and just doing what I really needed to do, relax. Overall, I am in love with Colorado. I could see myself living here with the exception of missing California trails, oh and the people too!

Ok, so race report. As soon as I stepped out of the car this morning, my chest was already pounding. I found it a bit odd, but me being positive, chose to ignore it. I was eager to run. Being here for a week and not really running like I normally do was hard. As soon as the run started, I felt the altitude big time and it only got progressively stronger. I don't think my heart has ever beat so fast and I just tried to battle through that and a bit of nausea. I tried to keep my breathing as relaxed as I could and broke the race into ten minute increments. When I made it to the top of Barr I figured I'd feel great on the downhill, but my chest kept pounding. In fact quite a bit after I finished my heart rate was still well over 100, dropped to around 90 two hours later, and then finally settled in the next hour or so. Damn altitude. Regardless, great runners out there today and I still did ok considering that I am not acclimated to Colorado elevation. Results from the race can be seen here. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't bummed out about my performance today. But glad I pushed through.

Looking forward to being back out in Colorado for Transrockies and glad I got a little taste of how it will feel to race in altitude. Also looking forward to coming back home and running where I can breathe and keep control of my heart.

More thoughts to come on racing, life, and so forth once I get some sleep.

Oh and if you want to read about the Pacifica race last weekend, Leor wrote up a great report here.

Barr Trail Race

Buzz and I @ Longs Peak

Pacing Western States

2009-06-30T17:58:00.000-07:00

The words I heard most while pacing, "this sucks." Of course they only came from Tony (aka Joseph D'alessio) once, maybe twice, but I frequently heard them from other runners we were close by. Before I even began pacing, I thought just the walks to the bathroom were painful in the heat and knowing that people were out there running was crazy or better said, insane. The heat makes me want to just crawl up and go to sleep. Then again, I always want to crawl up and sleep. I was so pumped up even before Tony came into Foresthill. In fact after the race started, I couldn't fall back asleep. I had my pacer bib pinned on and shoes laced well before it was necessary. I was more nervous and excited then when I am racing.

The journey of pacing the last 38 miles at Western States is something everyone even slightly interested in the race should do. It is not easy seeing what the runners go through over the last stretch. Part of it scares me from ever doing a race that far and of course a piece of me also craves to have the experience first hand. When I was at the finish and Tony's sister informed me he had gained 12 pounds and that he was getting hooked up to an IV, I seriously thought, ultrarunners are a bit fucked up (and I would include myself in that generalization). Anyone else who just happened to walk up to the finish and see the medical tent full of folks, seeing others hobble in to the finish, etc, would simply be like how the hell is this called fun? It is a little weird. I mean, people admire what their bodies do, but then push them until their bodies basically give out on them. One thing is for sure, if I ever do a 100 mile race, I am making sure I have health insurance.

I really enjoyed pacing. I laughed every time volunteers and other runners encouraged me. In fact coming into the mile 85 aide station, one of the volunteers said, "wow you look amazing." I said, "I am pacing." He replied, "oh, well, you look better than most the pacers." Not quite sure what he meant by that, but he wasn't alone. At least a handful of people thought I was racing. Pacing is a lot like being a doula although I've yet to be confused for the woman in labor. In fact, if I could pace for a living I would. Unfortunately I didn't have a baby to distract Tony with when he finished. In the end, whether someone is having a baby or running a race, it is clear that you can't plan everything and that ultimately you have to be open to whatever unfolds. Easier said than done, I know, but life is unpredictable.

So the best part of pacing at Western States in no particular order:
- Being out on the trails
- Hearing the crickets and water once the sunset
- Being positive and supportive (at least I think I was)
- Running and walking past 9 pm (I am usually in bed by 11 pm, at the very latest)
- Wearing my headlamp longer than I ever have
- Getting to know someone by pacing them for 38 miles
- The river crossing
- Cold water with ice
- Sponge baths
- Seeing beer and almost having some (next time, I'm having it)
- Smiling
- The dirt, dust, and rocks
- The moon
- Being grateful that I hadn't done the 62 miles before
- The orange feet and conversation over the last mile
- Getting a little lost (good thing you have a good sense of direction Tony otherwise we'd be heading back to the start)
- Seeing Tony get to the finish and learning from his experience
- Realizing that I am still not sure if I'll ever do this race and that is ok
- Knowing if I do run this race or another 100 miler, I'll ask Tony and his crew to support me (they are all really great and amazing people)

Diablo 25k

2009-06-09T21:46:00.000-07:00

I usually am quick to write race reports, but I guess I've been slacking. Work is insanely busy. I finally decided that I should not be working six days a week. Yay to having Wednesdays off starting next week. Ok so back to Saturday June 6th. My friend Ricardo picked me up and we headed to Diablo. I was super excited for him. It was his first trail run (which I told him to sign up for over and over again until he did). I myself, kept yawning, and honestly wanted to go home and go back to bed. I got my number and meet a few fellow La Sportiva teammates, Keri Nelson, Lisa Goldsmith, and Tom Borschel, for the first time. Overall, I felt more nervous for this race, partly because I haven't done a shorter trail run in awhile. Plus with Ohlone six days prior and then missing two consecutive nights of sleep due to a birth, I wondered how my body and mind would hold up. About 30 minutes into the race, I thought about stopping and walking back to the start. Of course, I didn't. I kept climbing even though it was hard. My poor climbing legs are like, "what the fuck lady, when will it end?" I reminded my legs that they were made to climb and that they just needed to get me to the top of Diablo. And, they did. I enjoyed the downhill and the views. I finished first woman and set a course record, 2:16:46. Keri Nelson was second in 2:22:26. Ricardo finished his first 8k and came in 13th overall (46:41), congrats! Geez, did I forget how hard those shorter trail runs can be! I'll be heading off to Colorado to partake in another one of La Sportiva's Mountain Cup events in July. Looking forward to spending a week out there and meeting some folks.

(Photo courtesy of Dwight Morejohn. Ironically, I was walking right before he shot this photo.)

For a more detailed report of Saturday click here.

Wrinkly Toes

2009-06-04T21:32:00.000-07:00

The night after Ohlone, I'd been asleep for 30 minutes when I got a call from my client who was in labor. It was a long labor and complicated in several ways. But, I learned even more about being flexible and compassionate in those two days. Yes, I missed two nights of sleep, but seeing those tiny wrinkly toes just made me happy. There is nothing quite like seeing life coming into this world.

Ohlone 50k

2009-05-31T18:31:00.000-07:00

So I put on my Wildcats this morning and ended up running Ohlone. A girl just can't say no to a tough run, well at least I can't say no. And, I am so fucking glad that I ran it. Ummm and climbing legs were no problem, obviously. Although I do have to say, I walked probably all the hills or as Mark Tanaka said, bounded. The crazy part of the whole day was my time. Get this, last night I am listening to my tape from the 80's that has me visualize my race. At some point the tape says you see yourself coming through the finish with the exact time on the clock that you predicted. I instantly thought 5:05 and then thought, fuck that seems fast. But that is the number I kept seeing. So what time did I run today, ummm basically a 5:05 (5:04.36). Is that not fucking crazy?! Another course record too... whoohoo!

Anyway back to the race. Damn is that course beautiful. I love the cows. I love the crazy trees. I love the hills. Unfortunately I ran a good majority of the race alone, just me, my body, and breath. I just tried to enjoy every step and I was happy when I saw that Mark was close behind and walking the hills occasionally too. Did I mention this race has lots of climbing? Yup it does, but that made me happy. After Rose Peak, I thought most the climbing was done, but I failed to remember some climbs. At some point Troy Howard caught back up to me and told me the next woman was a few minutes back. It was Prudence L'Heureux who finished right behind me... amazing race Prudence!!! Ok, other details, I peed my pants again. I only had about 4 miles left, so I thought what the fuck. At least this time I had on my Sugoi shorts instead of a pair of cotton shorts. They dried much quicker. Ummm... I felt happy the whole race and I really just enjoyed myself. I took a nice dip in Lake Del Valle when I finished. I had a great veggie burger (no not more turkey Gary) and got to talk with folks. Fellow La Sportiva teamates represented, Leor Pantilat won in 4:29 and Mark Tanaka ran a 5:09! Fuck yeah!

See sometimes you just have to put on the running shoes, go out there, and just see what happens. By the way thanks Larry for a wonderful race and also for introducing yourself at the aid station. Also thanks to all the volunteers, you were all super friendly.

(Picture courtesy of Jean Pommier)

Goodbye Coffee, Hello Turkey

2009-05-29T14:31:00.000-07:00

I've officially said goodbye to coffee (for now). In all honesty, I stopped craving it. I used to love the taste, but the last couple times I got my cafe o'lait, it tasted like shit. In fact I couldn't even finish it. So it is back to chai for a little caffeine high. I am sure eventually, I'll crave it again, but so far I am enjoying the vacation. I've been sleeping more, 8-10 hours a night and even enjoying naps throughout the day. Sleep is the best. I love to sleep. It is dangerous when I lay down because usually within seconds, I am knocked out. And then dreaming seconds later. But, this is not a new trend. Caffeine or not, I am a sleeper and a dreamer.

Ok so I've got coffee off the intake list, but I have a new item hopping on (for today). I've been vegetarian for close to 7 years. I was vegan for about 2 and then I added yogurt and milk back in a few months ago. Not a lover of cheese, so that has not returned to my diet. But since Miwok I've been craving a turkey sandwich. Not fish. Not a burger. But a turkey sandwich. So today, I ate one. I decided I shouldn't be dogmatic in things that relate to my body. Ironically this is the first time in 7 years where I have craved meat. And I've been craving it on and off for the past month. In the past it was not even a thought. Not sure I will keep meat as part of my diet as it does interfere with beliefs I have. I am just taking one day at a time. If I crave coffee, I'll have it. If I crave turkey, I'll have it. Just going to keep listening to my body. It has never mislead me so far.

Ohlone is this weekend. I've been going back and forth about it as my climbing legs still seem to be in recovery since Miwok. But toe is good, knee is about healed, and I think I am over my cold. So fuck it (unless my body tells me differently come Sunday), time to throw on the running shoes and have some fun out on those hills!!!

2009-05-25T08:12:00.000-07:00

Track

2009-05-23T06:56:00.000-07:00

Some weeks are just not your week. As I've said before, it is like torture for me to take days off from running. Obviously with my foot, I had to rest. Tuesday and Wednesday I rested and my foot was feeling great, so Thursday I road my bike up to the trails, ran a great 8 mile out and back. When I was heading back down the hill on my bike, I swerved away from a car that driving to fucking close. I thought I caught my balance and then the next second, I am splayed out on the road. I fell hard. Surprisingly only bruised and scraped up my left patella and got a sore left pinky finger. It hurt, but I didn't cry. I just got back on my bike and road home with my knee bleeding like crazy . I walked to work that night deciding I needed a break from my bike. Friday the plan was to do a 25k out on Diablo with Will. I woke-up feeling sick, but tried to claim it was just allergies. And, I had body aches like crazy, not sure if it was from my fall and/or potentially being sick. Either way, I was like fuck it were running Mt. Diablo. It all started great and then about 3 miles in, I felt like shit. I was shaking, nauseous, and dizzy. And, every single time I tried to run, my body said, "nope, we're walking today honey." We got a lovely 5 mile hike in for the remainder. I was sad, upset, and just irritated by the fact that I so badly wanted to run. Obviously my body has been giving me signals to just rest, but of course, I worry about loosing fitness, deeply miss having my daily routine, and just plain crave running. Well, after my wonderful bonk at Diablo, Will and I went to grab some food and then I iced my knee, which was lovely and swollen. As it started to cool off outside, I asked Will if he wanted to go to the track. I'm telling you, I had to run. I haven't been to the track in probably a year, possibly more, but speed sounded fun. We did a nice warm-up mile and then I did three fast miles (5:49, 5:49, and 5:47). I was in disbelief, they were consistently fast... yay! Shit the last time I did a track workout I think my mile repeats were like 6:30's. I had regained some confidence that my week with rest had not made me slower and I was just super happy. I finished each of those miles feeling good and strong. So maybe it was my week after all, a little rest can go a long ways, and I should be back out on the trails today.

Feet, Rest, Podiatrist

2009-05-19T10:59:00.000-07:00

Wouldn't it be nice if we could just tell our body to be fast certain days or tell our 3rd metatarsal to just stop hurting and it would listen? Maybe the reality is that if we listened to our bodies, they would listen back. I am heading to the podiatrist today. First time I've ever been to a foot doctor. I love my feet (Don't worry, I don't have some fetish. I just think feet are cool. Thus, one of my drawings up top.), seriously grateful for the years of dancing I put them through and of course now all the running miles I put on them. My 3rd metatarsal is a bit unhappy. Last Wednesday, I hopped out of bed surprised by the pain. It appeared out of nowhere and of course, I continued to run. Ok I took Saturday off and I've been running less miles, but really I should just rest. Common sense (especially when you develop the gangster limp), but yet so difficult. I think about my yoga practice. Every day that I practice my body is different. Some days I am more flexible, some more energetic. While doing yoga, I pay attention to what my body says and I listen. And, that is what I teach to others as well. But, for some reason it is harder to do that with running. Before I started running ultras, I literally ran every day. I am sure that within a years time, I would only miss one or two days because of illness, travel, etc. It is like brushing my teeth, I get up every day and just do it. I am a complete addict. As much as I know that rest is good and listening to my body is important, it is fucking hard to do when it comes to running. I tend to just want to push through things and hope that they'll disappear. Not going to ignore my poor metatarsal, it is trying to tell me something. Wish me luck at the podiatrist.

Arc

2009-05-10T18:47:00.000-07:00

Good day yesterday. I went on a 20 miler with Devon Crosby-Helms, Gary Gellin, and Will Gotthardt. We ran in the Ohlone wilderness. I walked a lot of the hills, but body is feeling pretty good and happy. Been giving it lots of love since last weekend, swimming, mellow running, and practicing some yoga and pilates. Massage on Friday was pretty fucking fabulous. French fries and chocolate milk on the day following Miwok were also pretty fucking fabulous. Simple things can be so fucking fabulous.

Anyway, after my run yesterday, I was sipping wine with some girls, talking about boys, and how some are all willy nilly when it comes to kissing (Note I say some, I am not pointing any fingers. In fact, I can't remember a bad kisser since 7th grade, but according to the conversation bad kissers still exist into adulthood). Come on guys, you can't just throw a tongue in someone's mouth all chaotically and shit. As one girl said, "it (a kiss) has got to have an arc."

Alright this will all make sense in a second (I think), but bare with me, it will be a bit haphazard as well. The night before this conversation, I went to an arm balance workshop taught by Ido Portal. Learned a bit more about handstands and balance. But, the best thing about the workshop was a couple things he said regarding dedication and beauty. Someone asked him about repetitions of an exercise and he commented on push-ups, how most people want to see how many they can power through, but then asked when we'd all seen a really beautiful push-up. Made me think a great deal about the quality of what we do and the awareness that it takes to move our bodies beautifully. So where was I going with this? Who knows, I guess I just started to think about when I was in school for art. How in the end, I realized that my life is a piece of art. Something I strive for is being aware and creative in each day, each moment. Doesn't happen all the time, but when it does, it is pretty fucking fabulous and beautiful. So I have to go back to the girl's comment for a moment, "it has got to have an arc"... kissing, life, moments, days, beauty...

Too Far, Too Fast

2009-05-03T20:21:00.000-07:00

I am one of those people that tends to do too much, get overwhelmed, have a breakdown, and then re-do the cycle, over, and over. I've gotten a little bit better. I used to be unable to say the words no. I'd see an opportunity and always say yes. Ok I still often say yes, but I do know when I am getting close to the breaking point and need to back off.

People keep asking if I'll be doing Western States. My answer: no. First because I am not prepared to take on a 100 mile race, I just started running ultras a little over two months ago. Miwok taught me a great deal. I was not physically or emotionally prepared for that race. Yes I did it and I am proud of myself, but I felt a little disconnected from the joy I get from running. With all that said, the actual race was overall good even with the nausea and ups and downs. It was the aftermath that has me reconsidering longer races without preparation. I was up on and off the whole night after sick. I hobbled out of bed the next morning and I could barely get on my bike to ride to work (I know bad idea to work the next day, but like I said, I am horrible at saying no). In fact, I literally had to pick my leg up to place it on the peddle. I only taught for a couple hours, but the entire time I felt terrible. I didn't have an appetite until about 3 in the afternoon. I spent most the day laying in bed, other than a brief cleaning frenzy moment. I don't like feeling blah and I don't know how I expected to feel after 62 miles, but I guess I was hoping for more than just blah. As for today, I am doing much better. I walked to work and my body feels almost 100%, but emotionally, I am not as great. Feeling a little depressed and I know it is related to everything my body has been through in the last 48 hours. I had not expected the emotional piece, which makes it that much harder.

My second reason for not jumping into States is my heart is not in that particular race. My heart is in running. I just love to run whether it is a race or not, I don't care. Being out in the woods, in the mud, hearing my breath makes me incredibly happy. In fact that is why I hate even missing a day of it. I never want to fall out of love with running and I do fear jumping into a race like WS could do it. Maybe, I'll be sharing too much, but I think it deserves sharing. In my late teens/early 20's, I struggled with anorexia. I denied my body nutrients and denied my heart joy. It was my mom who told me that my body is the one thing I will have my entire life, so I've got to love it like crazy. Those words, my love of running, and my art changed my perspectives and in the years following my recovery, my body and heart became something that I listened to, cared for, and appreciated.

Lastly, I am one of those people that always wants to do well at something. I don't want to go out there and just wing it. I want to do really well. This is not a race where I can just wing it and do well, it takes planning and preparation. I just started ultras. In some ways I've barely had time to absorb the last couple months. It has been kind of a whirlwind. I never expected to be doing so well. I just love to run. When I run Western States, I want to be able to soak up the experience, know my heart is in it, be prepared, and do the best I possibly can. So yup, no WS for me this year, maybe next year, maybe not. As long as I am running, I am happy.

(I took this photo about two years ago. I was having a crummy day and I went up to Lake Chabot. Ran for a couple hours and took my shitty camera with me. About 3/4 of the way into the run, I decided to just plain jump in the mud puddles. One of the best runs of my life.)

My First 100k (I guess a girl can live on shot blocks alone... maybe)

2009-05-03T05:13:00.000-07:00

I did it! 62 fucking miles. Not bad considering my farthest run was 40 miles and I'd only been building up the mileage in the three weeks prior. At the start of the race, I stayed close behind Kami Semick and Anita Oritz, fellow La Sportiva teammate. I just got a thrill out of watching them and seeing what they did in the beginning of the race. They are two amazing runners. I hung with them until we approached Muir Beach and then it seemed their pace picked up, so I just settled in and focused on running my own race.

At almost every aid station my friends, Will and Jordan, were there to support me. It was coming up to Pan Toll that I struggled the most. My hip has been giving me all kinds of problems (an issue I've been having for a few weeks) and I also just felt super nauseous. I told Will and Jordan to get me an ibuprofen at the Bolinis aid station. It was windy along Bolinis Ridge, but I felt kind of bad ass because at this point I was sporting a sports bra. I didn't feel cold, but it may just have added to the nausea. Either way I got my ibuprofen and they offered me some PB & honey, but there was no way I was going to eat anything. I was hurting bad and wanted to quit, but I just don't give up that easily. I continued to take shot bloks just cause I knew I needed calories (I don't want to see those things for a long time, eating them for 9 hours... blah). Anyway after I stopped to pee I felt a little better and I just continued to put one foot in front of the other. Coming back up to Bolinis aid station, it was super helpful hearing other runners cheering for me as they made their way out to Randall. My apologies for not saying good job back to all of you, I was hurting. When I hit Bolinis aid station again, Will and Jordan made me put a shirt and jacket on. Will started pacing me at this point and told me that at every aid station I had hit spits for a 9:10 exactly, keeping a consistent 9 minute mile pace the whole way.

I kept that consistency until we hit Tennessee Valley. Then I had to walk all the hills. At this point I was feeling really sick, but at one point I turned to Will and said, "I am really proud of myself." I was amazed that I was almost to the finish. I could hear people at the end. Once I got down the stairs, I gave a final kick and smiled the whole way in. I finished in 9:18. Kami won in 9:07 and Anita 9:10. I must of been high on finishing because I felt good for about 10 minutes, but then sick to my stomach until this morning. I am still not feeling 100% and I've been struggling to take down food. In fact it was a pretty restless night of sleep. It remains hard for me to take deep breaths and of course my body aches. But what did I expect to happen after 62 miles? Still feeling proud of mysel

(Photos courtesy of Brett Rivers)

Ganesha, Obstacles, and Opportunities

2009-04-29T14:05:00.000-07:00

Two days until Miwok, two months of ultrarunning, and years of preparation for this day. It is Thursday, the last day of April. I woke-up early this morning and biked to the pool. It was my favorite workout, the fifteen minute swim. My swim teacher is one of the best people ever because she kicks my ass and she also has the best sense of humor. I felt fortunate that she had me take it easy on my legs this week (she never usually lets me do anything easy). Cracked me up when Monday she walked over to my lane and whispered that I didn't need to do the 200 kick, I could just do a 100. Anyway, after swimming I headed over to the yoga studio, stopping to get a tea and a scone. Got to the studio an hour before my class. I thought I would practice some yoga, but instead I rolled out my mat, took an eye pillow, and laid there for 20+ minutes, visualizing Saturday's course. For the remaining 30 minutes, I took out a bolster curled up and almost fell asleep. I only had one student this morning and it was one of my first yoga teachers in Oakland. I began class as I always do, chanting, Om gam ganapataye namaha!. It is a chant to Ganesha, the deity in the picture above, known for removing obstacles. Pretty sure I am going to put an image of Ganesha on my water bottle for Miwok. At the very least, I'm sure I will have plenty of time to repeat his mantra over and over in my head. Deities, lucky thongs, what next?? I'll keep you posted.

My number, 326, and La Sportiva gear are already laying out on my kitchen table. I'm excited, nervous, and just plain want to run. It is like torture for me to take days off from running. Looking forward to the potential of rain on Saturday. Running in the rain is my absolute favorite. My close friends, Jordan Trew and Will Gotthardt, will be supporting me throughout the race. Plus I'll have several previous doula clients motivating and inspiring me. Seeing the physical demands of labor and the power of the female body has allowed me to believe in my own body, appreciate it, and trust it. I've also seen how one's mental state can make or break the experience. The last birth I was at was long, 30+ hours, and she pushed for well over 4 hours. There were moments of fear and doubt, but seeing how positivity carried her through it was remarkable. I'll be thinking about her a lot. Ok, I just smiled. I am really happy. Happy to be able to run, practice yoga, see life come into the world, and get glimpses of how these things are all connected.

I leave you with my favorite line of an email from Buzz Burrell, ... heck, nothing to do but go up there, start running, see what happens, right?

Skyline to Sea 50k

2009-04-27T21:02:00.000-07:00

Let me start by saying I do not recommend sitting in the back of a school bus and sitting sideways in the seat especially when the bus is taking winding roads. This was the start of my Skyline to Sea experience and I thought puking was going to be involved as well. Luckily I was off the bus and enjoying fresh air at Saratoga Gap just in time. This being said riding the bus was great hang out time. I got to chat with Chuck Wilson, Brian Wyatt, Leor Pantilat, and Will Gotthardt. Ah and they talked about Miwok for at least part of the ride, so yup, my mind and body were not even realizing today was a "race".

The beginning of the race had me laughing to myself. I was now doing the opposite direction than Will and I's first 40 miler. Net downhill feels much different when there wasn't 20+ miles of net uphill first. I cruised right pass the spot where I had my breakdown and enjoyed each and every tiny climb. I love hills and I fucking love running hills. Ok, so I stopped to take a pee in what I thought was the perfect hideaway, but Brett Rivers and Ken Parnow came cruising past. Not the first time someone has seen me squatting during a race. I made my apologies and caught back up to them. We all chatted for a bit and then I cruised past.

Ok my second recommendation, fucking pay attention to course markings. You know it is not a good sign when you've been running for 5 minutes without seeing any course marking. Also not a good thing when you see a big sign that says "dangerous: no bridge ahead, 8 foot drop." So that is when I knew I had fucked up. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't pissed for a few seconds. But I think it is good I got lost, it reminded me to not push this race. As I was back tracking Mark Tanaka saved me. It was perfect timing and we headed uphill, on the right trail (thanks again Mark). The redwoods were amazing and I stayed more aware of the ribbons. Of course I was also asking backpackers if they saw runners on the trail. I was paranoid that I would zone out and be well off course again. Anyhow I caught back up to Ken with a few miles left. I came through the finish at 4:17.54, set a new course record, and honestly wanted to do the whole thing again, backwards. Ok maybe not backwards, but felt like I wanted to run more, which is perfect for next weekend. Leor won the race setting a new course record at 3:38. 05. Lots of other impressive running, Will ran 4:02.02 (so now were 4-1), Brian 4:21.40 (after running Diablo the previous weekend), Ken 4:24:54, and Mark 4:26.30 (after a 150 miler!).

It was great hanging out after the race and talking some more with people. I finally met Dave who ran a 5:12 PR and also enjoyed a personal detour, in fact two of them. Sarah and Wendell thanks again for a wonderful event. And looking forward to seeing your photography Aaron.

Alright more to come regarding pre-Miwok...

The Lucky Thong

2009-04-23T21:42:00.000-07:00

I am not a particularly superstitious person. Ok unless you include the lucky thong. Yes, I’ve debated on whether on not to let you all in on my little secret. But, what the hell. I’ve worn the same pair of underwear for every race since Sequoia (my first 50k) and yes, I do wash it (I am not that crazy). I find it funny that we often put more faith into something other than ourselves when our own hearts, minds, and bodies hold so much strength. I put a great deal of faith into one small piece of fabric. Come race morning, I know which pair of undies are to be worn. No debate.

Alright so now that I’ve broken the big secret and you all know about my lucky thong, hopefully I can keep your attention. At this moment, I have exactly a week until Miwok. Shit! I am getting the same stomach dropping from nerves and excitement that I got pre-Way too Cool. My question is when do you suddenly wake-up and go hey I want to run 62 miles? Hmmm…the first time I heard about the Miwok 100k was in Trail Runner magazine. As soon as I read about it, I wanted to do it. So last year, I put a star on my calendar for registration day. But being my typical self, I was out the door and running when I remembered it was the day to sign-up. Of course, it was full by the time I got back. Two weeks before the race, I got an email saying there was space. But there was no way I was prepared to run Miwok in 2008. I didn’t even have a lucky thong yet.

On a more serious note, I am really looking forward to this race and I’ve been really looking forward to it since 2008. Now that I have seen the whole course I am equally excited. On Saturday April 18th, I did a 40 mile section with Will. We started at Rodeo Beach and then went 3 miles past Pan Toll and then turned around. At mile 32, I ate a peanut butter and honey sandwich. For sure it made a difference in comparison to the pervious week’s 40 miler. No crying, no walking, and I was eager to run 28 miles the following Tuesday, which started at Randall Trail to Pan Toll and back.

More to come after to Skyline to Sea 50k this weekend…

So hungry...

2009-04-15T13:23:00.000-07:00

It's Sunday April 12th, the day Will has planned a 40 mile run in Big Basin. I am eager and excited even with the previous night run (an "easy" hour where my stomach decided to give me all sorts of discomfort). At noon we are off. We accidentally take a 6 mile detour uphill, but we enjoy an easy pace, towering redwoods, and sunshine. We cruse back downhill and hop on the skyine to sea trail. Ok, mind you we're taking it the opposite direction of the 50k race next Sunday. The race has a net downhill, so this in turns means we have a net uphill. We underestimated this net uphill. It was one of those gradual grinds where you just fucking wish the hill would be steeper or just plain turn into a flat trail. At about 2 hours my stomach starts growling even with the morning bagel and yogurt and continuos Shot Bloks. I start dreaming about food. In the mean time, Will keeps having me run in front of him because whenever I am behind him I start fading back (a trend that he claims I started after Way too Cool). At about 4+ hours, Will reminds me that there are supplies for peanut butter and honey sandwiches in the truck. I suddenly become more upbeat and as we start the return I become confident that I'll make it. But, around 5+ hours, I realize I need to conserve my Shot Bloks and things start to change drastically. I spread my last two out. At this point Will has cruised out in front and taken a lead, I've fallen back. He slows down and I brake down. I am in tears, I can't make it I tell him. We've got 7+ miles to go. He motivates and I take the lead, but within a mile, I start crying again. I have to walk. I've never felt so hungry in all of my life. Pretty sure it is the first time I've broke into tears while running. We decide to take the road for the last 3/4 miles since it is now close to 7pm. I jog that painfully slow run where you want to go faster, but your body is saying listen lady this is all I got. I stop again, shit, I am going to get sick. Luckily the nausea passes and we start jogging again. I start to pick it up as we get super close, warm clothes and food are minutes away! We arrive at Will's truck at 7:25 pm. We've spent 7:25 hours on our feet. I can barely change my clothes. I kid you not, I think it took 5 minutes to get my sports bra off. Anyway, Will saves the day by handing me a peanut butter and honey sandwich. Food never tasted so good. I was back to my happy self. Lesson learned. Protein and fat are good on long runs... will find out Saturday...

Peterson Ridge Rumble 60ishK

2009-04-06T08:20:00.000-07:00

At 4:30 am on Saturday April 4th, Will and I headed off for Bend, Oregon. As Will said with two hours of the eight hour trip left, "pretty uneventful trip." Don't get me wrong gorgeous, but no exciting stories. That is until we realize we have not seen a gas station in a long time. In a period of an hour +, there is no gas station to be seen and the fuel light has been on this whole time. We finally see a gas station... oh shit, the sign says closed! The next town it says is 30 miles away. I keep thinking to myself we could run it, but our legs would for sure feel that the next day racing. We make it another 15 miles or so, not sure how, but we do. As soon as we run out of gas, we coast down the hill a little bit. I can't fucking believe it, but we can make something out in the distance. For sure a restaurant, but it isn't clear if they have gas. We make it about 1/4 mile from the place and get out and walk. I have never been so excited to see gas in my whole life (and a restroom, I had to pee like crazy during this whole adventure). So we get gas at Diamond Lake Juncture and we're on our way.

We roll into Bend, stop at the Motel 6 to check in and then walk over to Fleet Feet to check in for the race. We talk to Rod Bien for a little bit before heading down the street for a little Mexican food, and then a short walk through town. Both super sleepy from the drive so prepping for the race, napping, and a good night of sleep we're next on our list.

Sunday 5 am, April 5th, a bowl of yogurt and granola and a suncake. Then it is time to check the temp outside. Burr!!! Yup not going for the sports bra and shorts instead knickers, long sleeve shirt, La Sportiva baseball cap, my lucky Wildcats, and striped mittens. Nervous about the race as my stomach had not been feeling great, Will's intestines were not up to par, and of course I had no idea what to expect of the course or other runners. The drive up to Sisters is beautiful with constant glimpses of the mountains.

During our warm-up, I could tell I was more anxious then normal, but tried to remind myself to stay relaxed. I met Sean Meissner (the race director), Alan Abbs, Jenn Shelton, and Eric Poole at the start. In the first mile of the race, Will and I chatted with Eric and Jenn. I also met another woman Pam Smith who hung close for the first two hours of the race. She actually zoomed pass Will and I when we stopped to pee about an hour + in the race and then again during the icy section. As for the course, flat, winding, rocky, uneven, icy (Will took a couple falls, I walked that fucking section). Oh, I failed to mention, I took a nice fall in beginning, loosing a shot blok to the dirt. About 2 + hours into the run Will and I were still running together and there was no sight of another women close by. I tried to settle in, but as Will would attest I still had bursts of anxious running. Then we had lots of long straight a ways to run (they brought back memories of running in Michigan... straight up, I do not like long straight a ways... mentally challenging). At 3 hours, we had a hill... whoppy!!! Almost to the top and Will tells me he needs to pee again, I keep going (I guess a good thing as the remainder of his run becomes "crappy"). Aide station at the top and I find out 8 miles left, I look at my watch and tell myself that means I'll finish at 4:36 (I kid you not, I have no f'n idea why that is what I assumed, but I did). Now, I am running by myself and nervous that I am going to miss a turn because it is back to winding trails. Then I come upon a beautiful vista, the mountains were amazing, and I remind myself that shit, I am in Oregon! But, once again, I take a fall. This time mud, striped mittens and bottle are covered. Oh well, I get up and go. I got back into a rhythm with my breathing. In fact a good portion of the run, I did a yoga mantra over and over just to keep myself calm. Alright then I am super excited to see the next aide station and I hope they say 2 miles left, but instead they say 4. Doesn't matter, I am still on my 4:36 pace that became ingrained in my head 4 miles back. As soon as I could see the road and the high school, I knew the run was almost over. The race finished on the track, so I was able to give it a nice kick at the end. First comment to me after I came through the finish was wow your dirty (I have to say, that is a new one). I finished 1st woman in 4:36:57 and 8th overall. Will came in 9th overall at 4:47:20. Pam came in second woman at 5:02:28 and Jenn third at 5:12:40.

So the drive back to California was pretty uneventful, no running out of gas. Lots of beautiful views especially Mt. Shasta. Back to the bay by 12:30 and in bed by 1:30. Slept good, but can't believe how sore I am. Running flat trails definitely uses different muscles. Once again, I can't thank my body enough. Thanks Will for your continued confidence, driving 16 hours, and giving me a good story to add to my blog. Thanks to Sean for a beautiful run and to all the super nice Oregon folks I met. Now it's time to get ready for Miwok.

(photo courtesy of Glenn Tachlyama)

Salt, The Pelvis, and Some other Random Favorites...

2009-03-30T21:06:00.000-07:00

I've decided that chocolate covered almonds with sea salt are about the best things ever. I guess at least in terms of food. Salt on or in anything is pretty good these days especially with the early morning leg cramps that keep surprising me. So salt and headstands are two of my favorite things. I know completely unrelated, but being upside down just allows for an unseen perspective and requires balance. Oh and the pelvis, geez, that's a favorite too. With childbirth, pilates, yoga, and running, I am blown away by the pelvis, the muscles that support it, and how it is central to all that we do. Plus, it is just one of the coolest fucking looking structures of the body. I love hanging my laundry out to dry too. Laundry was my least favorite chore. Yet when clothes pins were added into the mix, things changed. Clothes pins are the shit. Running uphill, no explanation needed. Sleeping, no explanation needed. Lululemon yoga pants cost way too much, but they make your ass look good and they are cozy. Thank goodness for a wonderful mom and birthdays otherwise I wouldn't own any. My favorite blue hoodie, inherited from my sister, which she inherited from a lost in found, love it and I've loved it for nearly 7 years. Sarcasm is one of my favorites as long as I am not in a frustrated mood (you don't want to be around me when I am frustrated, hungry, sleepy, ah yeah, not fun). About the best thing ever when I get a voicemail from my nephew even if I can't understand what he is saying. Stripes, color, art, anything that is different. Striped knee highs were one of the best inventions, nothing better than fun socks. Mail, not email (that is ok too), but letters that come in the mail, super great. Something about opening envelopes, seeing ink on paper, or just getting something other than ads and credit card shit. Feeling sleepy, but hope you enjoyed a few of my favorites...

Pirates Cove 50k

2009-03-22T13:43:00.000-07:00

(pictures courtesy of Brett Rivers)

On Friday the 20th, I decided that I would be running the Pirates Cove 50k instead of the 20k. But honestly, I considered not racing at all as fatigue was strong this week. Plus, my legs still felt the prior weekend. I woke-up Saturday seriously wondering if I've lost my mind, three 50ks in four weeks?!! I guess the addiction has begun. Will and I got to the Headlands and it was beautiful, overcast, and damp. The whole drive I was yawning (not because I was tired, but because that is what nerves always do to me before a race). As we were putting on our numbers, I did my typical nervous talk. I met Brett Rivers, Kate Morjohn, and Rick Gaston at the start. As we took off, I realized that I was running, no talking myself out of it now. The first 30k was rough mentally, my left hip flexor was tight and my breathing felt haphazard. I actually stopped to pee before heading up Marincello (I'll save the peeing in my shorts for special occasions). I just cruised along with Will acting like everything was fine. Until he asked of course, my reply = "i'm ok." As we finished the 30k loop, I seriously considered stopping, but I didn't. Jason Reed was just in front of Will and soon I could see Will gaining on him as I drifted back. My negative head took over and everything started bothering me, a little chaffing under my left arm, my shoulders felt tight, etc. I thought I was going to break down in tears. In fact I came really fucking close. It didn't help that Jason and Will were getting further and further in front of me. As I stated up Marincello, I gained on Jason and Will. At the top, I caught up to Jason who said Will passed him 5 minutes ago. I had a serious talking to myself at that point. I pulled myself out of my negative head. Glancing at the ocean and green hills and focusing on my breath helped. Then, I remembered how much I loved running and I started to pick up the pace. With just a little bit of the race left, I caught up to Will who once again encouraged me to keep going. I finished first overall and set the course record at 4:09, Will came in at 4:10, and Jason 4:17. Once again Pacific Coast Trail Runs put on a wonderful event. Thanks Wendell and Sarah. By the way, I am super grateful for the veggie soup. It was perfect to enjoy post-race as the rain came down.

Luckily I got some good sleep last night. I woke-up this morning to teach and I received another call from a doula client. She is currently in early labor. When I finished work, I fit in my yoga practice, good food, and I'll see if I have enough time for a nap. Two births and two 50ks in a week or so!

2009-03-20T17:47:00.000-07:00

Some days, some weeks this is how I feel. I wish I could go back to a kid and just cry when I need to convey something. It just seems less complicated then how we deal with things as adults. I've had a great week considering what I just wrote. It has been an overwhelming week. An exhausting week. I've ate a lot of peanut butter, agave, and banana sandwiches. I want to sleep all the time too. My coffee hasn't quite widened my eyes like normal. I am still yawning far too often. I am sure that has something to do with the 3 am call on monday from my doula client who thought her water broke. Later in the day, we discovered it wasn't her water and the hospital staff actually weren't sure what it was... ah the mystery of the body, it is endless. I love that. I made it out for a 20 mile run in Quicksilver on tuesday without any exciting news. Then wednesday at 4:30 am, she was officially in labor. I've got another client due so another baby could be coming into the world any day. Before I write more, I am going to take a nap... more to come...

Post-Way Too Cool

2009-03-15T11:53:00.000-07:00

When I first tried to get into Way Too Cool, I didn't know much about it. In fact, all I knew was that it filled up according to Scott Dunlap's blog. When I ended up getting a spot, I took it without any goals or expectations. Obviously this changed a little once I ran Sequoia. My goal was to stay with the lead woman and see where my body could take me as the race progressed. Beverley Anderson-Abbs and Devon Crosby-Helms took off at the start and the first few miles I hung to the six minute mile pace. Inside I thought, ok I'll be happy with third. I loved hearing people cheer, "go gal in the red shorts." Being unknown in trail running is something I have enjoyed, but Bev told me that I would make a name for myself with this race. I ran 27 miles with Bev. I enjoyed talking with her a bit, seeing her strength, and extremely inspired by her and her running. As we came upon Goat Hill, (I had to ask her if that is where we were. I still wasn't 100% sure if it was Ball Bearing a few miles back. See that is the problem when you don't run a course beforehand.) she told me I was on my own for the race and I kept with Erik Skaden for the last four miles. My quads and hip flexors were hurting and tightening with every step, but adrenaline kept me going. It wasn't until the last 100 meters that it hit me I would be the 1st woman crossing the finish (I take that back, not sure if it has still hit me.) I crossed the finish at 4:12 and with a smile. I sat down and talked to Erik for a bit. He asked if I ever get tired. Answer is yes! Bev came through the finish at 4:17. I can't thank her enough for her pacing and friendliness. And my apologies for not pacing more, I am still getting used to the ultras and my abilities. Congrats to fellow La Sportiva teammate, Leor Pantilat, for winning the race in 3:39! Damn! Also thanks to those that believed I would rock the course (specifically Will Gotthardt who had a great race at 4:21, Jady Palko (4:34), and Jenny Capel (who ran a 5:07 even with a cold!). It makes a difference when there are people that believe in your abilities. Of course, I am always extremely grateful to my body and glad that it is feeling good today. In fact, I think I am going to lace up my La Sportiva Wildcats and go for an easy run. Looking forward to returning to the 20k distance next weekend at Pirates Cove (unless I decide to bump it up to a 50k) and then training for Miwok! Thanks Julie for an awesome course at Way Too Cool!
(PS. Not sure about doing Western States. Seems like a lot to ask of my body seeing that I just bumped up to 50k's. Thoughts? I've got 2 weeks to decide.)

Erik Skaden and I post-race.

Bev and I leaving an aid station.
If you want to read more:
La Sportiva Mountain Running
Sacramento Bee
Auburn Journal
(thanks to the Auburn Journal for the two pictures!)
Results

Pre-Way Too Cool

2009-03-13T06:56:00.000-07:00

Last night, I get a phone call from my doula client whose due date is March 19th. She is showing signs of prelabor or early labor potentially. Of course, this weekend I am going out of town for a race, so I could miss the birth. Thank goodness I've got two back-up doulas (although one has just reported she is ill). But, the reality is, I would be sad not to be at the birth. I am hoping the babe can wait until Saturday evening or Sunday. Ah, which brings up Saturday and Way Too Cool... eek! I am nervous and excited. Not sure if it is the nerves or just my body gearing up, but I've done lots of sleeping this week. It could be that I finally have a bed and micro fleece sheets. I slept on a futon for 8 years of my life. I had no idea what I was missing out on. Other than sleep, my running has been mentally harder since Sequoia. My body has been in recovery mode. I have had some good runs regardless. I joined Leor and Will for a 15 miler, the first section of Ohlone 50k, on the 6th. Steep and challenging, but beautiful. Sunday I was up at 5:30 am for a 18 miler at Lake Chabot. Took it easy on Monday, Tuesday a flat 12 miler, and Wednesday easy with my favorite, stride outs. No running yesterday, but yoga and a good swim with 4-100 meters fast. When I am finished typing this entry, I am packing my bag. I got some goodies from La Sportiva, so I can sport some of those at the race. Just so you know, my stomach just dropped (probably the 100th time in this past week). Did I mention I was nervous? Anyway, yoga this morning to calm me down. I also have a sports psychology tape from the 80's that I'll listen to tonight. For some reason, it has become tradition since high school cross-country. Well... as I tell my doula clients, there are lots of unknowns, but trust your body, this is what it was made to do. I am not having a baby, but I do believe my body was made to run, more to come post-race! And good luck to all you other runners out there! Hope to meet Devon Crosby-Helms , Bev Abbs, Joelle Vaught, Karl Meltzer, Thomas Reiss, and of course whoever else is willing to say hi... I just love that there are other people that love to run. Ok I really need to practice some yoga, I think my heart is already beating faster!

(Some how this picture seemed appropriate).

2009-03-11T13:56:00.000-07:00

Hey look who it is to the left!

my first 50k (Sequoia)

2009-03-03T09:27:00.000-08:00

Life is unpredictable. Last week, I had about the craziest, most intense week of my life. Pre-week, my boyfriend and I started discussing the status of our relationship. On Monday, I got done with work with a message saying that my shit was packed and I needed to come get it. I lived out of garbage bags at my friend Jordan’s house for a few days, searching for a place to live, and occupying my time with work, running, and being around friends. I emailed a few people about places to live and the first place I saw, I fell in love with, a simple, quiet, and peaceful studio. By Friday, I was moved in.

The next morning, I woke up at 5:30 am to eat and get ready for my first 50k. The nerves started to settle in as I put on my pink shorts and laced up my shoes, La Sportiva Wildcats. Will Gotthardt helped prepare me for my first ultra. He started me with essentials like water, electrolytes (SaltStick Caps), and fueling (Clif Shot Bloks) and we spent the last six weeks running 2-3 days a week together. Will picked me up at 7 and we headed to the race.

It was cold and breezy at the start as we picked up our numbers. Goosebumps covered my legs even after my warm-up. The race started and as I headed through Joaquin Miller Park, I hoped to keep the splits that were taped on my bottle. I was aiming for a 4:32. I kept arriving places ahead of my splits and started to wonder if my pace was too fast. My body felt good though and I just paid attention to my breath and staying relaxed and in the moment. There were several times throughout the race that a huge smile would appear on my face and my heart would beat a little faster. Before coming into the 30k aid stations, I peed my pants for the first time while racing. So yes people, that is what you saw on my shorts as I headed off for the 20k loop.

The 20k loop was great and I continued to be well ahead of my splits. I got lost in my excitement and the redwoods. I passed a couple 50kers, Joel Lanz and Barry Smith on the French Trail and I caught up to Will with about six miles left in the race. He told me to keep moving forward and to not look back. I kept my pace and as I approached Moon Gate, my heart was beating even faster. I couldn’t believe I was almost to the finish. I was smiling ear to ear. My heart was out of control and the last 20 yards of the race I thought I was going to cry. Wendell and Sarah were right at the finish. It was awesome to give them a hug and see their excitement too. I ran a 4:22, taking 34 minutes off the course record! I came in second behind Jasper Halekas who ran a 4:08. Will Gotthardt came in 3rd with a 4:32. I am still in disbelief, but eager for more running and more ultras.

Thanks to Pacific Coast Trail Runs, Sarah and Wendell you guys are amazing! Seriously without your events I would never have raced a 50k. In fact, I would probably still just be out running in the woods by myself. And, Will thanks for the training and building my confidence (maybe you built it a little too much).

Looking forward to Way too Cool in two weeks!

moments

2009-02-15T22:19:00.000-08:00

Trust me when I say that this blog entry will not be coherent. It will have no beginning, middle, or end. It is just thoughts, stories, or better said, moments. Every day I try to live a life based on moments, connections, and people, but every day I equally struggle with certain aspects of life.

In November 2001, I wrote my last journal to Buzz Alexander, english professor at the University of Michigan. He is someone who opened my eyes to life, to creativity, to change. It was through his classes and passion for social change that I started facilitating art workshops in high schools, detention centers, and prisons. The people I met in the workshops changed how I saw and continue to see the world. I can still hear the laughter from when I broke out the roger rabbit or tried to rap. There were difficult moments too. I heard stories that broke my heart. I cried, a lot. I got angry about the world, a lot. On November 8th, I wrote: I just wish we could be compassionate, to be with what is, to love ourselves, each other, and the world. Is this to much to ask?

My story actually begins in Traverse City, Michigan where I grew up with brown shoulder length hair and bangs. I was pushing my bike up the long, twisting driveway beaming from ear to ear. The training wheels had been removed and I was ready to ride. My feet were sockless and sweaty in my sneakers as I peddled around my neighbors circular driveway. As blisters began forming while my strawberry shortcake laces began flopping around, I started heading down the driveway. I was speeding down the hill frantic to find my breaks. As I nearly took out my dad and the garage door, he grabbed the handlebars. I fell gently on the pavement. To this day my dad loves telling this story about my persistence. Every day for weeks I asked to get those training wheels off my bike, he finally gave in. My dad always had a way of saving me. When I fell he was there to rinse off my cut up knees.

I've learned to fall. I've learned to be patient. Take swimming for instance. Two years ago, I signed up for a class at Laney College. Some background knowledge, I learned to swim in a lake with sand holes that would sink kids my size up to their waist and there were snapping turtles too. In the 90 degree heat, I would doggie paddle around the lake or just keep hold of the dock hoping that I could get out soon. Even without sink holes and snapping turtles, I think I almost died my first class with Marcia Benjamin. Chlorine tickled my throat and breathing sucked. It definitely did not look pretty. Within two laps, I was climbing out of the pool when Marcia yelled at me to get back in. Been in the water for the last two years not saying it looks any prettier, but I feel more comfortable. I can breathe. Running was similar. Sixth grade track coach thought I was a distance runner. I made it 100 meters and nearly passed out. Thanks to my legs, lungs, mind, and heart, I am making it a bit further than 100 meters these days.

As I said, nothing with any particular order, just moments.

Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs...

2009-02-08T17:17:00.000-08:00

... I read this book a couple times to my 3, almost 4, year old nephew, Owen, this weekend. There is nothing like building forts, tickling, and laughing to make your heart happy. I came to New York this weekend to celebrate my nephew Noah's first birthday. He's the little guy that my brother-in-law and I ended up delivering in my sister's bathroom (not planned, but it just happened so fast). He is the reason I am a doula and continue to be amazed by life.

Happy Birthday Noah Griffin Brown!

how i tie my shoes...

2009-01-29T22:15:00.000-08:00

Before/After

2009-01-12T14:06:00.000-08:00

Here is an example of the final photo I created based on the initial photo. I cropped it and altered the colors to create a different appearance. To change the tones I use photoshop, specifically I go to images - adjustments - selective color. From there I just play until I find the right balance for a particular photo.

Self-Portraits

2009-01-12T08:29:00.000-08:00

I had a friend recently ask how I achieved my self-portraits. I am not a very technical person when it comes to art and expression. It is always about feeling to me. I have an old Canon Rebel that I currently shoot with. The auto focus no longer works, so there is a great deal of trial and error to my photos.

(I just got the Nikon D90 and I will once again have auto focus... whoohooo!). I don't believe you have to have the best gear to get a good photo. The key to getting any good shot is trial and error. If I shoot 20 photos I may only find one that I love. When I first started taking self-portraits, I was limited. There was basically one couch in my living room that didn't have a distracting background. It also had a huge window with light behind it, which started my exploration with light and photography. I love back lit photos, which most people learn as a no-no, but it creates beautiful photos. You just have to avoid overexposing or underexposing the subject. I didn't have a tripod when I started instead I piled books on chairs. Either works good, but I must admit I love my tripod. The photos I tend to capture and appreciate are simple with emotion, light, and an older feel to them. I don't have any amazing way to explain how to take self-portraits. I recommend doing it over a period of time, so they become a personal exploration. Become a kid and play with simple things such as light, texture, and color. And keep it simple, too much in a photo is distracting. By the way, I do play in photoshop a little bit too. I change tones slightly to make my images more vintage. I'll post again with a before and after photoshop sample.

Transportation

2009-01-06T10:27:00.000-08:00

For those that don't know, I was in a five car pile up back in September. It was a pretty traumatic experience. I don't think I will ever bring myself to drive on 80 southbound, near Ashby Avenue, especially when the highway patrol tell me that these sorts of things happen all the time in that area. I walked away with whiplash and a totaled car. Ironically I spent the months before the occurrence complaining about driving and contemplated selling my car. The day following the accident, I pulled out my bike, which hadn't been peddled in over a year.

Riding to work, piece of cake. Four and a half miles downhill. Cold weather has made this a dread. Windproof gloves have become a necessity. It is not a good experience when your hands are so cold you can barley change the gears. The first two weeks of riding home, interesting. Yes four and a half miles uphill. To some of you probably no big deal. For me, big deal, at least until my body got used to it. Now when people say, "you ride all the way up there?" I think yeah, it's not so bad. I actually like it with the exception of rude drivers.

I walk somedays too. If I have the mornings off, I tend to walk to the local village and get a cup of coffee and walk back home before going for a run. Other days I walk to work. It slows me down and I wish that I could do this everyday. My preference has always been to be on my feet. I feel grounded that way.

In these last few months I've learned that it takes 13 minutes to get to work and 32-35 minutes to get home on a bike. I learned that I can walk the distance in an hour. I've learned that I can still be doula, cabs and public transport are quicker and I don't have to deal with parking. I've learned that I need to learn to fix a flat. I've learned it takes 15 minutes walking and 3 minutes riding go get a cup of coffee (yes, I am still addicted, but I am working on weaning off a bit...). Ok enough of what I learned. I enjoy getting around by bike and foot. It is changing perspectives, habits, and attitudes. Cars go too fast and before you know it your at work or grocery store or home. Biking and walking offers me transitional time where I don't just shut off from the world. I absorb it.

The only problem that I face without a car is getting to and from races. I've done the rental car thing, but the cost isn't working to my advantage. When a pilates client offered her 1990 Nissan Sentra with 82,000 miles, I checked it out. I fell in love with the manual everything. The doors that stuck. The no power steering, damn it really does work your arms. The cute little tape deck, which works. Looks like I am giving in and might have a car again. But, my goal is to still bike and walk to work and use the car for races and births. I don't think I'll rely on a car like I did. Using my body to get places makes me feel more connected and less stressed. I prefer this over sitting at red lights and watching the mph on a dashboard.

Heart

2009-01-02T15:02:00.000-08:00

"I've heard it said within our deathly culture, the most revolutionary thing anyone can do is follow one's heart. I would add that once you've begun to do that--- to find your own heart--- the most revolutionary thing you can do is help others find their hearts, to find themselves."

-Derrick Jensen--

Pacific Coast Trail Runs - Rodeo Beach

2008-12-20T17:09:00.000-08:00

For some reason starting Friday I started to doubt racing this morning. I guess I was just lacking motivation. It also did not help that my negative mind was more present this week. I found out that I did not get into a nurse midwife program for 2009, which disappoints me. I know that there is always next year, but mentally it started me in the cycle of I'm not good enough. But, I pulled myself out of it. When my alarm went off at six this morning it was difficult to slip out from my warm sheets. Before heading to Rodeo Beach I treated myself to a couple sips of Peet's coffee and my favorite chocolate-chip hockey puck (otherwise known as a Suncake). I don't know why, but I love those things.

When I arrived at Rodeo Beach I was sad that I wouldn't be seeing some of the folks I've met throughout the year. Will Gotthardt and Ryan Commons were recouping from an inspiring year and Scott Dunlap was going to be witnessing the beauty of the Nutcracker. I got my number and took a look at the memorable start. This was going to be my 3rd time this year racing up those wooden stairs. I can't deny the fact that I love running hills. I think my sister is to blame. As a kid she used to have me walk down our driveway and turn around and run up it (our driveway was a 1/4 mile hill). As I walked toward the bathroom, I bumped into Amy Moore. Amy and I swim together in Marcia Benjamin's kick-ass class (the actual name of the class is distance swimming) at Laney College. Occasionally between laps Amy and I would talk about running. She is a great athlete and I was excited to see a familiar face that would be joining me in the 20k.

When I lined up at the start, Amy came up to wish me good luck and then we were off. I have to admit those stairs didn't seem so bad, especially after experiencing the final hill at Muir Beach last weekend. As the trend has gone this season, I spent a good majority of the race running alone. Jeff Emery was in eyesight most the way, but once we got to the top of Marincello he picked up the pace. As I came down the SCA trail, I could hear someone right behind me. On the Coastal trail, as we were approaching the road, I found out it was Matthew McDermott. We both ran Pirates Cove in March where we finished two seconds apart. Once again we finished close. This time he crossed the finish first with an impressive 1:29:49. Ironically my goal was to finish under 1:30, but I was 2 seconds slow in meeting that goal. Oh well, there is always next year. Amy finished in 1:58:08 even after taking a wrong turn.

Before heading to the car, I got to talk with Adam Blum and Alistair Adams who finished close behind me (1:33:00 and 1:35:28). I guess there were a few races this year where they were nearby, but this was the first time I introduced myself. Yay to more familiar faces! Hope to see you in the Miwok Adam! I'm keeping my fingers crossed!

I am really glad I ran today. The headlands are gorgeous and one of my favorite places to run. It is the first year I decided to run more races and it was great getting to know some familiar faces. The PCTR events have been wonderful and I am still forever indebted to Wendell and Sarah for saving me at Big Basin. I still can't believe I forgot socks... thank goodness I had my shoes! Looking forward to 2009, without the pressure of nursing school, I am hoping to get out there for some ultras. I am in the raffle for the Miwok 100k and the waitlist for Way Too Cool and of course you'll see me at PCTR events. Hope everyone has a great New Year and I look forward to seeing you all on the trails!

Photography

2008-12-16T14:27:00.000-08:00

I am always looking for opportunities to take more photos. If you need and/or want some photos let me know!

Running Across the United States

2008-12-15T16:20:00.000-08:00

I've been doing some researching without much luck. I need more information about women who have completed a run across the United States? If you have any information pass it on... thanks!

Avocados

2008-12-15T09:31:00.000-08:00

Ok, I really don't understand people. In the last few days I've starred rudeness in the face. Yesterday I go to Berkeley Bowl to get groceries. I know, but mind you I'm always prepared when I step into that store (for those that don't know it is notorious for grumpy people.) Four years ago I recall a really great experience at the store. A wonderful individual standing in front of me at checkout turned around and chatted with me in line. Last night did not carry a warm experience. I take that back. I ran into a young girl who was in my dance classes. She had just gotten her ears pierced. As I walked over to get fugi apples I saw her smiling face as she waved at a distance. Within 20 feet that adorable scene faded. I am looking at the avocados, reading the sign, and questioning why they only have organic avocados from Chile and Mexico. The California avocado season could be at the end, but I am always amazed how many grocery stores carry non-local produce and products. I guess I've been spoiled shopping at the local farmers' markets. As I am going through this thought process, I pick up an avocado and give it a little squeeze. I always do, mainly out of habit. A lady in the rudest tone of voice walks past and says, "that is not how you tell if they are ripe." I felt like throwing that avocado right at her. I didn't I grabbed a couple avocados, put them in my basket, and moved on. I saw her later as I grabbed nutritional yeast from the bulk section. I wanted to say something, but I decided not to continue the cycle of negativity. I got my groceries and left the store.

Random

2008-12-03T19:21:00.000-08:00

Some of the best inventions: down booties, cameras, pickles, floss, chop sticks, salad spinners, bikes. Some of the worst inventions: cars, plastic, money, nuclear anything. I can't help but think the things we do are odd like why is it that as I am riding my bike home, a Prius nearly runs me over while the 10 foot wide Ford pick-up gives me a whole lane? Or why does United Airlines have a red carpet for first class passengers to walk on and then barricades it for the rest of us? It is just a 4x4 piece of fucking carpet. Why do we teach kids to be quiet, not run inside, and then continue to cut art and sports? Why do we "grow-up" and continue to follow these rules? Sometimes screaming at the top of your lungs feels really good. Why are people often rude to others in a long grocery line? Maybe if we slowed down every once in awhile we would actually experience something other than the mph on our dashboards and stop lights. I find it curious that people take better care of their cars than their bodies. Your body can get you from A to B. A car can get you from A to B faster, but in the process it creates cancer, anxiety, stress, pollution, war, obesity, and probably a shit load of other things. But it seems that is the way things go so frequently, faster = better. I can't say I am any different. I love to run. I love to run fast, but also slow especially to catch snowflakes on my eyelashes or jump in mud puddles. If my coffee addiction wasn't in full force I would probably slow down more frequently. But there is nothing like a cup of strong coffee to get me talking and thinking.

Women

2008-07-18T18:51:00.000-07:00

I just came back from a trip to the midwest where I visited my family. I caught some beautiful snapshots of my sister being a mother. I had some simple and profound conversations with my sister, mother, and grandmother about birth and life. As we discussed how birth has been treated over the generations from homebirth to being completly knocked out from anesthesia to

routine episiotomies my grandma simply said "but women are [biologically] the same."

Birth

2008-06-14T15:41:00.000-07:00

I wish I had something profound to write in this first blog or at the very least an introduction that encompassed my thoughts and hopes. Words are difficult for me to find these days and sometimes I dream that I could go back to being the girl who wrote for hours in her bedroom while listening to cassettes and eating grapes. My outlets have transformed to downward facing dogs, snapshots, splattered paint, and connections that can't be shaped into letters.

The picture is me and my nephew Owen. This was taken on February 8th, the day after he became a big brother. That day changed him and me. On the night of February 7th, my sister went into labor. As my brother-in-law and I packed up things to head to the hospital, my sister took a shower to relax. Within 15 minutes, the three of us were in the bathroom and my sister delivered her baby while the midwife told me what to do via the phone. It was the first time I saw life come into this world and it inspired me to become a doula.

Our bodies are incredible, intelligent, and creative. The first time I became mesmerized by the body I was watching my sister dance. It was not long after that I slipped on ballet slippers and fell in love with movement. From plies to birth there is a beautiful connection between the body and life and words can't quite capture it.